Matrix Meets What Dreams May Come - Sci-fi Thriller

[Architectus]

LOGLINE: LIFE AFTER LIFE, A HEADSTRONG ANCIENT STRUGGLES TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE FROM EXTINCTION, ALL WHILE TRYING TO HOLD ONTO HIS LOVER.

Script in this post is updated to latest version
Any feedback is welcome, but what I'm really wanting to know is if the script moves fast enough, and if I manage to build sympathy for Eto.

Attached is the partial script.

[ZellJr]

I actually did read this in the other thread and really enjoyed it. The premise is interesting as well and I considered writing something along this premise.

But the story seems very light and very loveable. It seems like it would be very fitting for an animated feature.

[Architectus]

Originally Posted by ZellJr

I actually did read this in the other thread and really enjoyed it. The premise is interesting as well and I considered writing something along this premise.

But the story seems very light and very loveable. It seems like it would be very fitting for an animated feature.

Thx, Zell, that's actually what I am thinking while I write it. An animated or CGI film, something along the lines of how they did Final Fantasy, but better, because we have better CGI now.

[Architectus]

Here's an updated version of the script. First 30 pages. Act I is complete. Yay.

[ZellJr]

Downloaded. Will read.

[TaityLJ]

Checked it out as suggested, and really enjoyed it. I think you're descriptions are really good - economic but enough for the reader to strongly visualize the scene. Funny robots are always good - I particularly liked the Fast Track Bot's line.

I was barracking for Eto at the end - you have to love someone who saves a dog from the dinner table, and his relationship with Amiti was etched out well.

I thought the pace was fine, but I'm new to this and not really used to analyzing that sort of thing yet. Others may provide better feedback on that count.

One thing I thought was strange was that Eto suddenly went from being fairly hapless and clumsy in everyday life to being a super-efficient fighter when he beats down the thugs. Is that kind of a dual-psyche thing, where when he has to concentrate he gets into a zone (almost instinctual), but away from conflict he's got his head in the clouds most of the time and stumbles around?

Or I may just be being ignorant.

It was a fun read, and I look forward to seeing the next update.

[www9370]

No TaityLJ, you are not being ignorant...what you just pointed out is crucial to storytelling ... while most scripts to this day do the same thing - it's still not right.. it jumps from conflict to conflict...

[Architectus]

Taity, thanks for the read.

I hint at Eto being trained to be a Superior, which is why he knows how to fight so well, but he chose the path of something like a Buddha, to not cause suffering, which is why when he fights the thugs, he causes the least amount of suffering possible.

But in house hold things like cleaning his suit, he's kind of clueless. I might need to flesh out those two sides of him better.

[spinningdoc]

Architectus

Doesn't matter what you think you've done, if the audience doesn't get it, you need to sort it out. (I say this in a spirit of constructive criticism, not snarkiness).

[Architectus]

Spin, I don't know if the audience gets it or not yet.