A few issues
 

Howdy,

I'm having a few issues writing an episodic script. I'm aware that there is a search button and that some people do get annoyed when questions are asked over and over, be it paraphrased or in quotation marks, but I figure it would be easier to ask a few different questions in the one thread than to chase down old threads and post one by one. If I'm wrong, I'll be sure to search the archives next time.

My first issue is seemingly simple, yet no one can give me a definite answer. I need to bring up a black screen with text on it in the middle of a scene, how should I go about doing this? This is roughly how I have it so far, also I'm a bit of a worrier when it comes to details, so if there's anything else that needs fixing, feel free to say so.


"EXT. Outside of Pub Afternoon

IRISH arrives at the pub, he looks at the sign above the door.

Close on the sign; it reads 'Heavyweights Only'.

IRISH laughs and enters the pub's front door.

CUT TO BLACK:

SUPER: 15 schooners, and forty bucks later.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF PUB AFTERNOON

IRISH exits the pub's front door. He is counting money in his hand and laughing."

The "CUT TO BLACK" cue is annoying me, I'm almost certain I could be presenting it in a better manner.

My second and third problem can, thankfully, be seen in the next lines of the same scene. The second issue I am having, is that I'm not sure of how vague I can be in stage direction and get away with it. The third issue I am having is I'm not sure of how to introduce a character who I have not given a name. This is how I have it so far:

"IRISH exits the pub's front door. He is counting money in his hand and laughing.

DRINKER (O.s)
Hey, you.

IRISH turns around as DRINKER emerges from the shadows. He is over six feet tall, wearing biker clothes, and has a handlebar mustache.

IRISH
You talkin' to me big fella?

IRISH doesn't look threatened. He is still ecstatic about his performance in the pub.

DRINKER
You fancy yourself a drinker, aye?

IRISH
(modestly)
I can toss back a few.

DRINKER
How about a drink off.

IRISH
Well, my body is already about
(beat)
three quarters alcohol right now, but sure, what's the wager?

DRINKER
Five thousand.

IRISH
Shit! Let me get a burger into me and I'll be good to go.

DRINKER
We'll go to my place.

IRISH
Shit man, for five thousand dollars we'll play on fuckin' Uluru if you like."

I have DRINKER emerge from "the shadows", but I don't give any direction for where the shadows are in relation to the screen. I do say he turns around, so they're obviously behind him, am I thinking a little too much into it?
And in the case with introducing 'DRINKER', that's a mess. The first mention of him is the first in the entire script, it is his introduction, so should I instantly refer to him as DRINKER? Should I give him a name and work that in?

I know this has been long, but any help would be greatly appreciated.

Re: A few issues
 

Yep, you are a bit of a worrier dude. But thats fine. It shows you care.

What I would do;

BLACK SCREEN: Add Text Here

You don't need anything else, write that as an action beat. Sandwiched in the scene.

"Cut to, Close on" this can be seen as too much direction, you don't need it so, something like;



IRISH arrives at the pub, he notices the sign above the door 'Heavyweights Only'. IRISH laughs and enters the pub's front door.

BLACK TITLE: 15 schooners, and forty bucks later.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF PUB AFTERNOON

IRISH exits the pub's front door. He is counting money in his hand and laughing.



----
- Second bit. Give him a name. Be better for a reader.
- This is perfectly fine to say from the shadows a director can work this out.
- "He is still ecstatic about his performance in the pub." - this isn't needed as you can't really show that he's "ecstatic about his performance in the pub."

IRISH exits the pub's front door. He is counting money in his hand and laughing.

VOICE (O.s)
Hey, you.

IRISH turns around as to see someone emerge from the shadows. This is VIVIAN, (50s), a six foot tall biker with a handlebar mustache.

IRISH
You talkin' to me big fella?

IRISH doesn't look threatened.

VIVIAN
You fancy yourself a drinker, aye?

IRISH
(modestly)
I can toss back a few.

VIVIAN
How about a drink off.

IRISH
Well, my body is already about
(beat)
three quarters alcohol right now, but sure, what's the wager?

VIVIAN
Five thousand.

IRISH
Shit! Let me get a burger into me and I'll be good to go.

VIVIAN
We'll go to my place.

IRISH
Shit man, for five thousand dollars we'll play on fuckin' Uluru if you like."



This is all just one mans opinion, I'm sure others would be able to say where I'm wrong, but they are the changes I would suggest.

Keep writing.
Dom

Re: A few issues
 

Hey man,

I just went through this exact thing. You nailed it the way you wrote it. Don't stress. It is vital to stay away from directions like CUT TO: etc etc, but sometimes you have no other choice. No one will use it against you or think less of your writing for it. Just keep on trucking along and leave it as you have it. Trust me.

Re: A few issues
 

Thanks a lot guys, the help is greatly appreciated!

I'm finding more and more that this actually is a goldmine.

Re: A few issues
 

Hi again,

I have a couple more questions. They're small, but I'm having trouble moving on without knowing. I've searched the forums, but can't really find a definite answer for either of these.

1: When making someone pause during dialogue, as in a beat, which of these would be better to use:

"I'm sorry ... There's nothing more we can do."

"I'm sorry...There's nothing more we can do.

"I'm sorry...
(beat)
There's nothing more we can do"

"I'm sorry
(beat)
There's nothing more we can do"

I don't like using '...' too much (especially when I'm about to use a beat anyway). However, when I do choose to use '...', is it better to have spaces between the dialogue and the three dots, or no spaces.

2: I have a scene where my protagonist is looking at people in a bus. These people have no dialogue, some laugh and some cry, but no dialogue, and they only exist in this scene. Which way of these is the best way to write it:

"BEAU looks back to the child in front of him. He forces a smile and imitates the female clown's silly faces to the child. The child starts crying, and his mother who is sitting next to him turns around to see BEAU making faces at him."

or

BEAU looks back to the CHILD in front of him. He forces a smile and imitates the FEMALE CLOWN's silly faces to the CHILD. The CHILD starts crying, and his MOTHER who is sitting next to him turns around to see BEAU making faces at him.

TIA, Silly.. or SILLY?

Re: A few issues
 

Hi Silly,

Well, domfarelli and davidartiste pretty much summed up the first questions you asked and I would give you the same advice they did!

I'll try and help with the next ones:
You could use a (beat) for the pause in dialogue, or you could break the dialogue up with an action line.

"I'm sorry!

Blah Blah waits a moment for it to sink in.

"There's nothing more we can do."
or

"I'm sorry!
Blah Blah looks at his shoes before continuing.

"There's nothing more we can do."

of course:

"I'm sorry!
(beat)
There's nothing more we can do"

Works just fine too and I'm always using ...'s in my scripts! (although probably best not to use them too much!)
(Blah Blah is because I don't know the characters name there - no disrespect intended!)


As for Q.2
What you have is ok or you could just shorten it down by taking out the bits you've repeated:

BEAU looks back to the CHILD in front of him. He forces a smile and imitates the FEMALE CLOWN's silly faces.

The child starts crying, leaning in to his MOTHER, she turns around and glares at BEAU.

It still says everything you wanted to say only shorter so it's less for a reader to go over.

Hope that helps a little!
Paula :)

Re: A few issues
 

"I'm sorry...There's nothing more we can do.

I have practically the exact same line in the script I'm writing. And I use the elipse. It states the pause without having to say 'beat'.

Re: A few issues
 

Once again... I'm new to scriptwriting and its nuances, but...

From what I've seen/read thus far...

INSERT - TEXT OVER BLACK CARD
"Fifteen schooners and $40 later..."

...would seem to be the way to go, though this advice is probably only worth the paper it's printed on. :p

Re: A few issues
 

Thanks miners, your help is much appreciated!

Yeah the text over the black screen has been driving me in circles for awhile now, multiple ways I can do it, but I really want to find one concrete way.

Re: A few issues
 

Maybe try something like this...

EXT. PUB - DAY

It's late afternoon. IRISH strides up to the pub and stops.

He glances at the sign above the door.

'Heavyweights Only'.

He shakes his head and laughs.

He enters the pub.

The PUB DOOR closes as...

Day melts into night.

SUPER: "15 schooners and forty bucks later..."

IRISH stumbles out the door, laughing. He stops under a streetlight and counts his winnings.

Unless a CUT TO BLACK: or BLACK SCREEN is absolutely necessary, write around it. Try not to take the easy way. That's what makes this so damn fun.
But then again, this may look and read like crap. There's a million ways to write this.
Hope this helps.