Post Your Writing For Critique From Others

Published in October 26th, 2007

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This thread is for anyone to post any of their writing for anyone to critique.

Once again, as I have no clear idea on the copyright situation, I’m going to say you post under the clear understanding I’m not responsible if your idea gets swiped and turned into the next $200m movie without you! (Though, once again, the fact that any idea is posted up here would seem to tie that idea to you at this time, which may be a good thing? I don’t know. )

Normal site rules apply - minors read this site regularly, so keep it clean and keep the comments constructive and on topic please. It’s the easiest thing in the world to dismantle - making something better is the art.

I’m also going to reserve the right to delete posts or comments if I judge they’re getting off beam for any reason.

Enjoy!

Learn about the all new Screenwriting Goldmine.

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Tonja said, in October 26th, 2007 at 4:19 pm

This should turn out to be very productive. Now, I do have to ask, is there a limit to how much of a screenplay you can post at a time? For instance, is it one scene per comment post?

As for the idea swiping thing, I’m not sure that simply posting it here under your name (even with the time attached) would hold up in court, I’d think the entire work would have to be officially copyrighted in the first place. I mean, anyone else could say that they were the actual person who posted it. What would be the proof as to otherwise? I suggest anyone copyrighting FIRST before posting your material for the public, especially on the internet where there is so much anonymity.

Benjamin said, in October 26th, 2007 at 4:51 pm

Hello all,

I got a problem –

All my screenplays are R-rated.

I’ll try to post some, but it’s going to be selective.

And I was hoping Guy Ritchie and MTV would be reading. Philip — could you call them!!!

Philip, what’s the future of blogs — eg. how would the movie “the proposition” be blogged?

Advice, advice?

MLewys said, in October 26th, 2007 at 4:59 pm

Commonwealth Consolidated Acts - Australia

I’ll see if I can find something for other countries.

10 Big Myths about copyright explained

Gary said, in October 26th, 2007 at 9:28 pm

Tonja mentioned how much of a screenplay to post. I would think for space and bandwidth purposes a scene would be more appropriate.
Or maybe a small section of a sequence or a short of some kind.

Maybe Philip could act as moderator and even post a subject that you would have to write a scene about and then we could post them and critique them as they go up?

Then it wouldn’t be such a copyright issue. Just ideas.

Philip said, in October 27th, 2007 at 9:37 am

I’ve actually got plans for another area of the site where you’ll be able to upload whole screenplays and we’ll have a wisdom of crowds style competition every couple of months to find the one people like best. In the meantime, I think you do need to support the scene with a little context sometimes. Until I get the next area ready I suggest no more than 10 pages or so - bandwidth not a problem, the width of the display box and the lack of formatting may be more so.

Sorry about the PG rating Ben! In the future again maybe that’s something I can look into, but it’s not straightforward without any guarantees of age. Re. The Proposition - if I had my way that movie would sink without trace! Very overrated I reckon! But I do know what you mean - we will want to talk about adult themes at some point, so maybe a members area with some kind of age verification would help that.

Thanks for the Copyright info - read and take note if you’re worried…

And so… what do people think about Ben’s logline?

Benjamin said, in October 27th, 2007 at 1:37 pm

Hello Philip,

A screenwriting contest, now we’re talking.

Monthly — might be crazy. Most spec screenwriters have only 4 or less scripts that could show.

But quarterly and yearly sounds like a good “proposition”. I like twice a year. This gives us time to use the notes we get from your blog.

A contest at SCREENWRITINGGOLDMINE.COM, sounds like the best idea I heard. We all look forward to it. This could be big!!!!

Do you think this contest will be ready before Christmas?

Now that’s a present!!!!!

Regards
Benjamin

deirdre said, in October 27th, 2007 at 4:37 pm

Hi Benjamin,
I haven’t read your script sample, but I’m intrigued by loglines, and wanted to make a couple of comments.
Title: Marcus and Farah, gives me an expectation for two fully rounded characters. Your logline sets up some excitement for me in the character of Farah, but very little for Marcus - I especially found ‘afflicted’ a bit odd. Afflicted how? He is not coming across as a sympathetic protagonist yet. Just from reading the logline it looks like it’s Farah’s show. Lots of room there for intrigue & conflict and thrilling visuals.
By unknowing, do you mean she doesn’t know? This even more fully sets the conflict up as one between her and forces that are working behind the scenes against her. I don’t yet care much about Marcus’s crush.
But a good exciting storyline is quite imaginable from it.

Is that at all helpful or near the mark?

thanks for posting

Benjamin said, in October 27th, 2007 at 5:22 pm

Hey Deirdre,

Re: Logline for Screenplay “Marcus and Farah”

Thanks for that input/feeback on my logline.

This got me thinking. I’ll work on the points your mentioned.

Great feedback! Much appreciated.

Thanks,
Benjamin

Amz said, in October 28th, 2007 at 12:38 am

Hi Ben, nice to see some more of “Marcus and Farah”. From reading this excerpt I’m really interested in the narrative structure - is it linear, or do you play around with it a bit? I noticed a lot of changes from day to night, I couldn’t really figure out what it signified (probably because this is only a little section). I like the idea that you’re playing with linearity, ie with flashbacks and stuff. That could be really interesting.

And I’d have to agree with Deidre, there seems to be more focus on Farah than on Marcus. Do you have any scenes where he is doing stand-up? Where has he come from before he gets to the subway and meets Farah? Could he have just come from a gig, or even be going to one? That might make the belly dancer joke even funnier, if we know he can do stand-up. Do you think having him do stand-up would give the audience a bit more of a reason to like him as a protagonist?

Have we seen James before at this stage? I get the feeling that he has a connection, probably with Farah, possible that he is following her? Is he linked in somewhere before this? Maybe in where Farah doesn’t notice him but we do? It seemed a bit of a sudden introduction to a character (but I’m just basing this on what I’ve read, so I hope this is helpful). I really like the idea that James is more focused on the subway than on apologising for bumping into Marcus. It makes him come across as a really strong character.

And the dialogue’s good Ben. It flows really well and you’ve given us a good amount of information really well. I hope my comments are helpful. This script is looking really good.

deirdre said, in October 28th, 2007 at 1:03 am

I love the sample!

That’s all for now … thanks for posting it.

Raymond said, in October 28th, 2007 at 5:20 am

Benjamin, seems very good

hope to actually see on the big screen one day

Benjamin said, in October 28th, 2007 at 2:29 pm

Hello Amz, Deirdre, Raymond..
Thanks.

Yes what preceeded the above sample was a stand-up comedy routine — where he gets kicked out of the “Comedy Zone” for pushing his routine from shock humor to really really crazy humor…but in real life Marcus Anderson is more like a “latent volcano with a fiery and hungry heart” — until he takes some physical risks

Hope this explains some of the questions.

I will post some action/fight scenes later…

Regards
Benjamin

Amz said, in October 28th, 2007 at 2:34 pm

Ben, that sounds great. I think the preceding scene is probably where we would invest in him as a character, so you’re doing good there in my opinion.

Still wondering about narrative structure. Is it a linear narrative, or does it go from present to past etc. And where does the above action take place? It might help to contextualise things for us to help us give more helpful feedback.

Benjamin said, in October 28th, 2007 at 3:22 pm

Hello Amz,

The script has three “flashbacks”.
In my opionion the script is linear. Non-linear is for auteur like Guy Ritchie (oh no watch Philip jump up now and scream, I know Philip has reservations about “Stock.. and Snatch).

I have to be careful lots of scenes are R-rated. So I’ll try my best to post.

I’ll post more sample to clear the logic up.

Thanks
Ben

Philip said, in October 29th, 2007 at 8:33 am

Ha! Enjoying this - but scream about Guy Ritchie being called an auteur? As if I would…

Amz said, in October 29th, 2007 at 9:02 am

Ben, I keep forgetting there’s R-rated stuff, you’ve mentioned it before. Ratings don’t seem to mean so much to me these days, for me it’s all about being engaged, and your script is doing that well.

Philip, I think you’ve really started up something great here. All the people who are posting on your blog seem like really great people, and I must say I’m having lots of fun!

Philip said, in October 29th, 2007 at 9:15 am

Yeah, I’m ejoying it too - but I’m glad it’s working - I was talking to lots of you all on email before, and I KNEW you’d get on if I could work out a way of introducing you!

Benjamin said, in October 29th, 2007 at 2:25 pm

Hello fellow “Goldminers”

Just a pre-question before the pitch questions come in –

Should the “twist” or the “night shamalayan twist-like style” be disclosed in the logline and synopsis or treatment.

I think I should producers/agents/managers on suspense.

Thanks,
Benjamin

Gary said, in October 30th, 2007 at 1:53 am

I really like the idea of a place where you could critique and try out loglines. Maybe this could be a seperate thread?

The best book I’ve read on putting together story elements and loglines comes from a book by Rob Tobin titled “How to Write High Structure, High Concept Movies”. And I use a lot of what he says when I try and put a story together.

I think first you have to know who your story is about. I guess it should be a person who this particular story will have the greatest effect on. I mean if your main character is a billionaire and your story is about what happens when you win a million dollars in the lottery and how that changes your life. Well it’s not going to change a billionaire’s life much so there isn’t much of a story. So the story has to match the protagionist. The event of the story has to effect the protagonist and the protagonist has to be the person for whom this story resonates.

So you have a main character and they have a problem or an opportunity and they form what Philip calls a “desire” which is the goal to fix the problem or take the opportunity. This turns into the overall story question the audience will wonder about for the entire story. Will so and so defuse the bomb, get the girl, kill the monster etc…

Then I look at the protagonist and think what is it that this person needs to learn or gain over the course of the story. It’s what philip calls the “need” in his book. I also have heard it called the main character flaw. This flaw or need should be tailored to be the worst thing a person could be afflicted with who is confronted with this kind of a story.

A man who is afraid of intimacy ” his flaw?” He needs to learn how to be intimate when he meets the girl of his dreams. He wants to be with her but his flaw is keeping him from doing so and being happy. He “Needs” to learn to let himself trust and be intimate with her if he is to win her heart etc…

I think last there needs to be some kind of jeopardy attached to his not succceding in his outward desire and not growing and overcoming his flaw. Fullfiling his need. For the story to have real meaning.

Also in a logline I think it’s important to get the tone or genre into it to give it the right flavor when reading it.

So that all said here’s a logline for a script I wrote a few years ago.

“An ex-patriotic G.I. matches quips and wits with a beautiful Russian spy over missing microfilmed evidence of a crashed U.F.O that the U.S. goverment is trying to keep top secret during the Cold War.”

Is it any good? I don’t know. I dont’ think it’s one of my best written things. But I do like the idea and have thoughts of rewriting it every couple of years.

So The G.I. is the main protagoinst. His flaw is that he’s an ex-patriot. He’s bitter about his experences in the army and has resentment against his own country. His need is to resolves this feelings and make peace with his past.

The problem he encounters? The missing microfilm. He stumbles into a high stakes espionage plot and finds himself a pawn used by both the Russians and the U.S. goverment during the cold war.

The jeopardy? If what is on the missing microfilm falls into the hands of the Russians it could change the balance of power between these two superpowers. Like when the atomic bomb secrets leaked to the Soviet Union during the fifties. And of course his own life is in danger.

Also there is a hint of romance between the russian spy and the G.I. And hopefully you get the tone of the genre in the words used and in the time it takes place. Anyhow this is how I try and do it.

deirdre said, in October 30th, 2007 at 3:40 am

Just for the hell of it, may I give a stab at your logline?

At the height of the Cold War, a disillusioned CIA (?) agent holding secret information about a crashed American UFO meets a beautiful Russian spy investigating the accident & finds he must make a hard choice between country, love & conscience.

Is that even close?

Just a stab.
Not sure your logline did justice to your good story.

Benjamin said, in October 30th, 2007 at 4:30 am

Hello Deirdre, Gary and Goldminers!

I think we should all write a one sentence logline.

When pitching, it has to be one sentence.

I’m going crazy converting my logline into one sentence.

For example the movie “jaws” and “taxi driver” and “moulin rouge” had a powerful one sentence logline. That one line depicted the whole movie.

I could be wrong, but Jaws was a great shark movie.

Regards
Ben

Amz said, in October 30th, 2007 at 8:42 am

Ben, are you talking about your logline which you posted in an earlier comment here? Would you mind if I (or we if others would like to) had a go at making it one sentence so that you can figure out what works in each sentence? It might help you to come up with a sentence your happy with. I’m happy to try if you want me to.

Gary said, in October 30th, 2007 at 10:31 am

Thanks deirdre,

I really like your ending “must make a hard choice between country, love & conscience.” It better poses a question that can only be answered by reading the story than my does.

Also “secret information” works better than “missing microfilmed evidence” and creates a much better mystery to untangle, than my version where I give it all away.

I do miss the “quips and wits” part though but only because to me it smacks of Film Noir like the Big Sleep and such.

Also to be historical accurate the C.I.A. wasn’t around yet. So it would have to be military or maybe the O.S.S. or something.

But overall I think you improved it vastly…thanks!!

Benjamin said, in October 30th, 2007 at 12:43 pm

Hi Amz,
Sure, see if you can convert it in one sentence.

I have tried, so far nothing I could post.

But working hard at it.

Thanks Amz,

deirdre said, in October 30th, 2007 at 4:59 pm

Thanks so much Gary for your generous consideration of my version of your logline.

As Philip said it’s so easy to be a critic, much harder to be the one under the knife. If you found something there useful, I’m very glad.

I like the idea of exploring loglines. Keeping in mind (as Philip said too), that they are fluid & can and may and must change if the developing script requires it.

But when they’re simple and clear and true to the story I think they may do wonders to keep you on track.

I love Ben’s idea, I’ll try to post one later I think. I’d love the feedback.

ps
what was the loglines for Jaws?
We could try writing them ourselves, for various movies.

Let’s see:

An idyllic summer retreat on Long Island is shattered when a vicious shark begins its attacks, forcing the community to find resources within themselves they never dreamed they’d have to call on.

deirdre said, in October 30th, 2007 at 5:07 pm

“Afflicted stand-up comedian wants to settle down. His dream is about to come true when he’s reunited with his high school crush, now a dancer, aspiring for Broadway. But one problem — she’s uknowingly embroiled in her father’s unspeakable and illegal high-society — PROSTITUTION, PORNOGRAPHY, MURDER. Welcome to the American Dream.”

A lonely stand-up comic believes his dreams have come true when he reunites with his prom queen crush, not realizing she is unwittingly embroiled in prostitution, pornography and murder.

Sorry, back to back posts, but I just wanted a stab at Ben’s logline.

By the way, which is more true to the story: unwittingly or unwillingly?

If this is too intrusive, please let me know.

Hope it’s helpful. I can shut up now!

Benjamin said, in October 30th, 2007 at 5:16 pm

Hello deirdre,

One very popular logline for Jaws

“Amity Island had everything. Clear skies. Gentle surf. Warm water. People flocked there every summer. It was the perfect feeding ground”

I’m hooked on this logline.

Do you hate or like it?

And thanks for the edit on my logline. Give me this week to digest it and will post soon about the edit.

Regards
Benjamin

deirdre said, in October 30th, 2007 at 5:34 pm

I love it! Especially in terms of advertising the movie.

As a logline that keeps a writer on track I’m not sure it does enough of a job.

Hmmm…

Gary said, in October 31st, 2007 at 12:04 am

I really like what deirdre did with the logline. I hope you don’t mind if I give it my two cents…

I like lonely a lot better than afflicted. Afflicted is too broad. I would go another step and maybe change it to “painfully shy”. It’s more wordy than lonley but it speaks to his having a flaw he needs to overcome while it could still affect the plot problem which seems to be meeting his high school crush.

So using deirdre’s logline I would go with…

A painfully shy stand-up comic wannabee believes his dreams have come true when he reunites with his prom queen crush,

Question: Why is he a comic? I assume he is the main character or at least in this logline he is so why the comic angle? Does it have any bearing on the story or is just trying to round out the character.

Which brings me to my second question: I thought when I originaly read your logline it was a comedy. Then after reading your script sample I saw it wasn’t really, just the guy’s job is that of a comic. Having the main character be a comic and using the ironic tag line “welcome to the American dream”. I was set up in my mind for a comedy maybe black but still a comedy. If it’s not really then maybe I would not make him a comic.

A painfully shy loser believes his dreams have come true when he reunites with his prom queen crush……not realizing she is unwittingly embroiled in prostitution, pornography and murder.

I might add some jeopardy to his hooking up with her.

A painfully shy loser believes his dreams have come true when he reunites with his prom queen crush, untill his life is threatened when he comes to find out she is unwittingly embroiled in prostitution, pronography and murder.

Any better? I don’t know. I like deirdre’s better maybe. She seems pretty good at loglines. Just throwing out ideas and trying stuff out benjamin. Maybe something here could spark you to think in a different slant or something. Take care.

Benjamin said, in October 31st, 2007 at 12:32 am

Thanks Gary,

I think I’ll take out the American Dream part, as per your advice.

Give me some time to digest your re-write and I will post soon.

Regards,
Benjamin

Philip said, in October 31st, 2007 at 11:45 am

Hi - re. Deirdre’s point about the two different types of loglines - I think we are talking about the external, hypey loglines here aren’t we? The ones that sell your story with a real zing.

I suggest we move the logline discussion to the logline thread and keep this for in depth discussion of scenes/story/writing samples materials.

Michael_C said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 4:34 pm

Hey folks! I’m new here, but I’d relish an opportunity to share with a group of aspiring screenwriters like yourselves.

Here’s a quick sample of the opening scene to my last script. It’s registered and copywriten already, so no worries there. I’d just like to get some feedback from some other writers.

the logline is posted also, just for frame of reference. cheers!
———————-
Logline: Racing against a looming deadline and the demise of his career, a past-his-prime crime author struggles with a rare medical condition that revitalizes his writing but also brings his murderous fiction to life.
———————–

FADE IN:

EXT. SCHOOL SIDEWALK – DAY – 30 YEARS AGO

A distant SCHOOL BELL BLARES in the background. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL KIDS gather, chat, and celebrate the end of the school day.

A group of youngsters saunters down the sunny sidewalk.

GRAY GREENWICH, 13, is shy and quiet. The rest of this group is rambunctious. Each has his favorite comic book proudly in hand.

BOY #1
That’s stupid! There’s no way I’d choose Batman over Superman. He doesn’t even have real powers. Just a bunch of toys.

BOY #2
So what? Superman wears that fruity red cape.

The group roars in laughter. Boy #1 turns attention to Gray.

BOY #1
At least I can afford a comic book. Gray has to make his own.

A few snickers are heard.

Gray touchingly stashes his homemade comic, complete with hand-drawn characters and paper clipped binding, in his bag.

GIRL
At least Gray is smart enough to do it. Didn’t you just fail Mrs. Powell’s spelling quiz?

ALL
OOOOOhhhhhhh! Ha Ha Ha!

GIRL
Anyway, I happen to think Gray’s books are really good.

She smiles in Gray’s direction.

BOY #1
(to Girl)
What do you know?
(to Gray)
What’s that dingy stack of papers about anyway?

GRAY
You wouldn’t like it. It’s not about a super hero.

BOY #2
What’s it about then?

Gray is reluctant to respond.

GRAY
It’s about a… a crazy guy. But he’s really…

ALL
What!?

The kids laugh hysterically. Gray hangs his head.

EXT. BUS STOP – DAY - 30 YEARS AGO

The group congregates at the bus stop. Everyone stands but Gray. The bus approaches and kids begin to board. The young girl glares at Gray.

GIRL
Are you coming Gray?

GRAY
No. I’m gonna wait for the next one.

Her disappointment shows.

GIRL
Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow then?

Gray nods with a slight smile.

SEATED AT THE BUS STOP

Gray hangs his head as the bus pulls off, leaving him alone. He takes a deep breath and slings his bag from his shoulder, reaching in to grab his tattered manuscript.

He pauses briefly, inspecting his pitiful creation before balling it up and tossing it to the ground.

The wind intensifies. Clouds begin to replace the sunny sky.

Gray jerks his head and is stunned to see BELIAL seated stoically beside him, eyebrow perched.

He smiles at Gray.

Belial is an old, sturdy man with a tall lanky frame. He is neatly dressed in a dark gray suit and a black brimmed hat.

His voice is gripping.

BELIAL
So, my young friend… What seems to be haunting you today?

Gray returns his head to his hands, unresponsive to this odd stranger who appeared out of nowhere.

BELIAL
You know, Gray. You’re more gifted than you may think.

GRAY
How’d you… How’d you know my name?

BELIAL
One need only pay attention to details…

Belial slowly eyes the name tag on Gray’s backpack.

BELIAL (CONT.)
…and many of life’s mysteries become obvious to us.

GRAY
Oh, Yeah.

Belial bends to retrieve Gray’s book from the ground. He examines its crumpled pages with a peculiar look of familiarity. He flashes a grin.

BELIAL
Never be so quick to give up on those things that make you unique, my boy. Continue on your path, and a bold new world awaits you.

Belial hands the comic to Gray whom nods an acknowledgement.

Belial pulls from his pocket an equally ragged manuscript. It looks as if it’s older than the Bible itself. He thumbs it, halts briefly, and hands it to Gray.

GRAY
You’re giving it to me?

Gray beams as he accepts this odd gift.

BELIAL
Keep it close, and read it well. There is much still to learn for a boy such as you, Gray.

Gray inspects his gift, flipping through the pages. There are very few images but all of them are frightening and graphic.

GRAY
This is pretty creepy… and kind of old.
(beat)
But I like it! What is it?

Gray turns his head to Belial, only to find the mysterious man has vanished. He looks in every direction for Belial.

The next bus arrives.

Gray packs his books and boards the arriving bus.

His eyes remain fixated out the windows, hoping to catch a last glimpse of the peculiar man.

Deirdre said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 9:05 pm

Well wow. I like your logline, not sure if it should contain some inkling to how the character grows or ends up, that’s more Phil’s domain the answer to that, but I like it, it’s intriguing and different.

And the sample hooks me. You’ve got me very curious about this medical condition.

If there is one thing you might want to look at, it might be the dialogue, it reads well, but not sure it’s as natural as it could be. Belial is a bit over the top but maybe that’s your intention? And the children speak in lovely sentences, maybe you could play around with a bit more of a jumble?

That’s just a thought, you’ve set something up here and basically for me it works well!

When you say in stage directions the images are graphic and frightening, do we as an audience get to look over Gary’s shoulder - should we know at that point what you mean by graphic? I’d like to.

The tone seems to be established with the surprise intro of Belial as a sort of magical realism? Does that sound right?

Just some thoughts, thanks for the chance to read it.

Michael_C said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 9:16 pm

Here’s the longer version of the logline:

Gray Greenwich is a once-successful murder mystery author whose work has lately been uninspired. After a horrible car accident leaves him in a brief coma and subsequently, with a rare form of chronic seizures, Gray begins to notice a very disturbing trend: The events he’s been chronicling in his latest unreleased chiller are appearing as headlines in the morning paper. Is Gray the unwitting mastermind of a very real murder spree? Is it coincidence? Or is he losing his mind? It’s up to Gray to find out and stop it… before becoming the final victim of his own creation.

————–

Thanks Deirdre, for the insightful feedback.
Dialogue hasn’t been my strongest element up to this point… but it’s something I plan to devote some substantial time to over the next few months.

I’ve focused more on story beats and structure, as well as how to make my narrative visual and fast-paced for readers.

Great idea about giving the audience GRAY’S P.O.V. when he looks at the book Belial’s given to him. I’ll certainly incorporate that suggestions.

And Belial… he’s definitely an over-the-top character. lol But that becomes more evident as the sequences progress.

Thansk again for such wonderfully constructive criticism and feedback.

Michael_C said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 9:28 pm

Cont’d from previous sequence:
————————————

EXT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM – ESTBALISHING – PRESENT

There hangs a BANNER on the door of the auditorium that reads:

“One Day Only! Meet and greet author Gray Greenwich: The Might of Fright!”

INT. COLLEGE AUDITORIUM – DAY

A sparse number of STUDENTS and BOOK CLUB MEMBERS continue to file into the scarcely populated seats.

GRAY GREENWICH, 43, a stoned-face, graying, dapper man, enthusiastically delivers a passage from a book.

GRAY
…He gazed with curious intrigue as the frail woman slid from his hands to the cold, damp grass. Her final breath is only a prelude to his swelling sadism. He is thrilled at the sight of his burgundy stained hands. He inhales his victory, and exhales the serenity of his own sickness.

He closes the book.

GRAY (CONT.)
Thank you.

The tension in the room is ruptured by applause.

MS. FINNAWAY, 50, a refined yet unattractive, middle-aged woman, approaches the podium and shakes hands with Gray.

MS. FINNAWAY
Let’s have another round of applause for our esteemed guest, Mr. Gray Greenwich, for regaling us with excerpts from his latest book, “The Lies Inside”.
(Clapping her hands)
Now, we’d like to open the floor for questions, but only a few.
We know Mr. Greenwich is a very busy man.

GRAY
Thank you Ms. Finnaway. It’s been a pleasure. Are there any questions?

The restless murmuring of the room is heard as various hands begin to rise throughout the auditorium.

SHEILA WINTHORP, a stunningly attractive woman in her late 20’s, waves her hand like an eager child who is about to explode.

She is hyper and restless.

GRAY
(to Sheila)
Yes.

SHEILA
Hi Gray! I’m Sheila.

GRAY
Hello Sheila

SHEILA
Hi…

Sheila is giddy and girlish.

SHIELA (CONT.)
I just want to say that I’m your biggest fan. I have all of your books! Not to mention, I’m the proud founder of “thee” Gray Greenwich Book club.

The small contingent of Sheila’s book club members applauds behind her.

GRAY
Oh, yes! Sheila Winthorp, right?

Sheila nods timidly.

GRAY
Do you have a question for us today, Sheila?

SHEILA
It’s a two-part question. The first is: Who or what do you draw on as inspiration for such insightfully honest yet brutal depictions? And at the same time make killers seem so… sympathetic and genuine? It’s genius!

Her question gives Gray a satisfied pause.

The two share a look.

GRAY
The inspiration for my work is born of respect. Respect for the human spirit and the human mind. Think of it. If a man’s spirit and mind answer to an utterly skewed and morally altered value system, isn’t it our duty to understand that individual? Their motivations? Their beliefs? Conscious or otherwise? This is what drives the medical world and the world of science. And this is what drives me. Discovering these unthinkable truths.
(beat)
Yet, the dreadful reality is that in the heart of every person lies a truth so dark that it could potentially consume him. My books simply explore the furthest limits of that darkness.

Gray acknowledges another question in the audience.

Sheila interrupts.

SHEILA
Oh, Oh. The second part of my question is: Are you married?

The crowd giggles at the naïve and smitten woman.

GRAY
Not anymore.

Everyone chuckles.

GRAY (CONT.)
Any other questions?

At that moment, the auditorium which first buzzed with energy becomes suddenly quiet and still.

Gray’s smile wanes. He examines the faces in the audience and notices they aren’t looking at him.

They are focused behind him.

From the ceiling to the walls, the room begins to darken. The windows gloss over with an ominous, oozing shadow.

The shadow completely shrouds the walls and moves towards the stage.

Gray turns to see the ooze has formed a DARK FEATURELESS FIGURE behind him.

It lunges at Gray and envelops him in darkness.

There’s the bloodcurdling shriek of his name as everything goes black.

VOICE
GRAY!!!!

END DREAM SEQUENCE:

INT. GRAY’S BEDROOM – MORNING

SHEILA (O.S.)
GRAY!!!! Wake up! You’ll be late! Again!

Gray quickly lifts his head from the pillow, inspecting his surroundings and gasping from fear.

He looks for signs that the nightmare is over.

The sound of music playing, and Sheila singing along, assures him that he is home in bed.

He succumbs to his fatigue and snuggles his head back into his satin-covered pillow.

Sheila enters the room, toothbrush in mouth and panties in hand.

SHEILA
By the way, it would be really nice if you could hide these before I come over.

She tosses the undergarment at Gray.

GRAY
These aren’t yours?

SHEILA
Duh! That would be a “No”! Really Gray! What self-respecting woman wears crotch-less thongs?

Gray’s expression is part irritation and part nonchalance.

Sheila trots to the bathroom to spit and rinse.

SHEILA (O.S.)
And I thought you quit smoking last month. I found a pack in your kitchen drawer. Are you reneging on our resolution?

Gray ganders at his alarm clock. 10:35. He panics.

GRAY
Oh sh*t! I’m gonna be late.

SHEILA (O.S.)
That’s what I said.

GRAY
How long are you going to be in the bathroom?

Sheila checks herself in the mirror one last time, exits the bathroom fully dressed, and sits contentedly beside Gray on the bed.

She looks gorgeous but Gray barely notices.

The antique ruby charm on her necklace rests in her cleavage.

She messes his already disheveled hair.

SHEILA
It’s all yours, sleepy head.
I’ve got class tonight, but have you given any more thought to seeing that movie with me?

GRAY
You mean the one with subtitles?

SHEILA
Yes, the one with subtitles. And I don’t want to miss it. You’ve put me off long enough, playboy.

GRAY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll go.

Sheila tries her best to dull his burden with seduction.

SHEILA
I’ll do that… little thing you like.

Gray feigns a smile but he is not moved.

SHEILA (CONT.)
I know this thing between us isn’t “serious”. But continuing to have me in your bed, whenever you fancy, will require at least some effort on your part.

GRAY
Did Rebecca call yet? She’s going to kill me if I miss seeing her perform again.

SHEILA
Not sure. There are messages on the machine. She might be one of them. I’ve got to run.

Sheila kisses Gray on his forehead. She lovingly rubs her cheek against his.

He coughs. It breaks her trance and ruins the moment.

She rises and heads for the door.

SHEILA (O.S.)
And don’t forget to get rid of those skanky panties!

The SLAMMING of the front door to his upscale loft signals Gray to rise from his slumber.

He rambles to the answering machine and hits the button to play his messages.

There are several envelopes marked “Final Notice” and “Past Due” strewn about the end table.

Next to those is an award Gray received in 1992 for a book entitled “Shackled Mind”.

Gray dances into the bathroom whistling to the music as the recorded messages begin to play in the next room.

REBECCA (V.O. MACHINE)
Hey dad, it’s me! Are you up yet? I need you here by noon. Otherwise I’ll have to ride with mom and you know I don’t want to do that. You’ve missed the first two shows already. This is the last one! So please… call me! Love you.

(BEEP)

FRANKLIN (V.O. MACHINE)
Gray, my boy. I have some rather… disconcerting news. I need you to call me as soon as you get this. In fact, just meet me at The Woodshire around noon. My treat. Ok? It’s very important. Very good, then.

(BEEP)

VOICE (V.O. MACHINE)
GRRRAAAAAAYYYYYYYY…
(muffled static)

(BEEP)

Gray peeks out of the bathroom, perplexed at the sound emitted from his machine.

He shakes it off and hops in the shower.

Benjamin said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 9:30 pm

Hey Michael_C,

This is really really good.

Well written. You got a talent here.

Maybe give me your opinion or edit of mine. See above.

Regards
Ben

Deirdre said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 9:49 pm

This is wonderful! I love it too. Any dialogue concerns from the first part are gone.

You’ve set yourself up for some clever footwork weaving the 3 scenarios together & loglines together. Is the script written? I hope to read it all one day and see how you’ve handled it.

Great job.

(I think I’ll scratch my first impression of magical realism - not sure it’s playing out as that- psychological thriller perhaps?)

(in your short logline, would it be better to say ‘after-effects of a coma’ rather than rare medical condition?)

Is Sheila the girl from the first scene? Somehow I thought that but when I went back to look I didn’t see her name.

Excellent work.

Benjamin said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 10:00 pm

Hey Michael_C

This is a fun script/writing —

I read about agents and Managers working with writers in LA who like this style.

With some editing, this sounds like a winner.
Its very specific to a specific crowd. Well-focused.

And as for MS. FINNAWAY and the end of the dream sequence and “scenes set up and INT. shots” — good catalyst.

Regards

Michael_C said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 10:09 pm

Thanks Deirdre! It’s certainly more a psychological thriller… even horror and some points. Those are the genre’s I focused on for this one.

The script is finished: “The Darkest Shade of Gray”. If you’d like to read the whole thing, just let me know.

(It placed as a Quarterfinalist in The Expo Compeition last week, which I was elated over.)

And Sheila is a catalytic character. But she’s not the same young girl from the first scene. But if you read the rest, you’ll begin to see the trend with Gray is that most women are drawn to him. lol

Thanks Ben. I really appreciate the feedback, more than you know. Writing is re-writing, so I really enjoy hearing suggestions on cleaning things up and making them stronger.

I’ll read back through yours and give you my thoughts shortly.

Thanks again all.
MC

Michael_C said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 10:25 pm

Benjamin,

Good read! I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I think Amz was right on the money when mentioning the narrative. Is it linear? It doesn’t appear to be. Are the scene continuous or do they bounce back and forth between the past and present? Specifying that in the slug lines is something I’ve found indispensable for clarity.

Also, is the scene at the subway station the first reconnect between Marcus and Farrah? If so, it seemed they got a little too “famliar” (ie, wiping the blood from her nose - no stranger does that) before even realizing who the other one is. (They were in school together, right?) Do they even remember each other at that point? Just food for thought.

I’d be sincerely interested in reading more though, for sure.

Keep up the great work.

Deirdre said, in November 2nd, 2007 at 11:09 pm

Yes I’d love to read it!
my email is ddvalley(at)gmail.com if you want to send it.

The premise is similar to Stranger Than Fiction, and in the back of my mind another one but I can’t think of it - but your treatment is quite different.

Congratulations on being a quarterfinalist - that’s excellent! Enjoy!

Amz said, in November 3rd, 2007 at 3:17 pm

Michael - I really like what you’ve posted. One thing I thought could be particularly emotive is when young Gray first throws his manuscript on the ground. It made me feel so sympathetic towards him.

I did think the bit with the other children could have possible been extended. Do you have other scenes from when he was a kid? Could you incorporate a bit where he is on his own while the other kids are reading their comics? Just an idea, it may be a way for the audience to connect even more with the way he feels in the first scene you posted.

The dream Gray has - I had no idea it was a dream. I’m guessing that was your intention, but I wanted to let you know it worked very well for me. And it was a good way to introduce Sheila, I got the feeling the dream might have had some truth to it, but because it was a dream I wasn’t sure (which is good because it’s drawn me in to the story).

Congratulations on being a quarterfinalist for this script. I would also love to read it in full. If you are ok with that, of course. My email is amy.bradneygeorge(AT)gmail.com

Is there anything in particular you would like to get a response to in relation to the excerpts you posted? Any specific questions or focuses you’d like feedback for?

Benjamin said, in November 4th, 2007 at 6:23 pm

[Edited as per Ben's request 7/11/07]

Mlewys said, in November 4th, 2007 at 11:05 pm

I haven’t started up, but I’m wondering if I’m heading along the right tracks.

1 EARTH FROM SPACE
A cartoon earth floats against cartoon space. It looks like a blue and white swirled marble on a black paper with tiny yellow dots.
Zoom in a little closer to see the flat-brown continents under the one-dimensional white clouds.

Zoom in North of the Equator to watch a multi-colored map with thick black border lines of Europe rotate into view.

Zoom in to Great Britian becoming visable beneath the parting clouds. A little Union Jack flag pops up and waves.

Zoom in to see the mismash of black lines and grey squares that could be London.
CUT TO:

2 INT. - TRISTAN’S HOUSE – TRISTAN’S ROOM
An alarm clock reading 7:00 am in bright red letters blares music. A tan, cartoon hand reaches out from blue, cartoon covers to turn off the cartoon alarm clock. A boy sits up in bed with his eyes shut. He looks a cross between Charlie Brown and Jimmy Newtron, with his messy dark brown hair ruffled. He, Tristan, rubs eye before throwing off the covers and sliding out of bed.
CUT TO:

3 INT. – TRISTAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN
After coming down the stairs, Tristan stumbles about the kitchen to make breakfast. Nothing too fancy, he does put the electric kettle on before setting out three place settings and silverware. As he waits for water the heat, he stares at the kettle. A song fills the air around him. A female voice sings something pleasant and happy.

Tristan blinks and looks up at the kitchen window over the sink. The yellow, rectangular block moves suddenly, shifting from a cartoon to a real, three dimensional curtain woven with a delicate pattern. Even the window fades from a thick outlined drawing into a real window overlooking an actual garden in the back of the house.

His mouth drops open. Still a cartoon, Tristan simply stares at the shift in reality until the kettle whistles and breaks the spell. The curtain returns to a cartoon square overlaying a square around a drawn garden.
CUT TO:

4 INT. – TRISTAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN
Around the small table, Tristan eats the breakfast he prepares with his younger brother, Sinjin, and father, Lance. No one talks. No one looks at each other.

5 SERIES OF SHOTS:
A) Dishes dumped in the kitchen sink.
B) Tristan and Sinjin’s feet march up the stairs.
C) As he walks into the bathroom, Tristan pushes his brother out of the way without looking back. Sinjin tires to out race him, but the older brother shuts the door in his face.
D) In his bedroom, Tristan packs his books and notebooks in his school back with a heavy sigh.
CUT TO:

6 INT. – TRISTAN’S HOUSE – THE STAIRCASE
Dressed for school, Tristan and Sinjin stand and wait at the top of the stairs. They look down at their father who paces at the bottom of the stairs near the front door. He slips on a light coat as he readies to go to work.

TRISTAN
Da.

LANCE
(stops and looks up at his sons)
See your brother to school. Come straight home afterwards. I’ll be home later tonight.

TRISTAN
What about Mum?

LANCE
(turns away)
I’m seeing her after work.

TRISTAN
Is she coming home?

LANCE
Depends on what the doctors say.

TRISTAN
But you said, this weekend, maybe -

LANCE
I know what I said, but we have to wait and see what the doctors say. I’ll see you later.
Tristan and Sinjin watch their father leave, frowning at the sound of the door closing.

Benjamin said, in November 4th, 2007 at 11:55 pm

Hey Mlewys,

This is a fine experimental screenplay.
Develop it further and try to direct it.
It sounds like you have your own vision.
In hollywood, no one knows anything.
Happy to see there are some screenwriters taking risk.

The only thing that needs work - only write the scenes that are visual — that can be filmed.
For example when you deal with your animator, give him clear instruction via the script.

Hope this helps.
Benjamin

Mlewys said, in November 5th, 2007 at 12:16 am

Would it be rude to ask for clarification since I am new?

“The only thing that needs work - only write the scenes that are visual — that can be filmed.
For example when you deal with your animator, give him clear instruction via the script.”

Would you mind expanding on this please? I do not believe I understand what you’re trying to say though I believe it’s valuable.

And thank you, Benjamin, for your feedback!

Benjamin said, in November 5th, 2007 at 1:15 am

Hello, Mlewys —

When moving from animation to real — make that transition clearer.

Since you are writing like a “shooting” script style. Put more concise technical details.

Read the script Ralph Bakshi’ Cool world.Michael Grais (written by) &
Mark Victor (written by)

Release Date:10 July 1992 (USA)

Aaron Aadamson said, in November 5th, 2007 at 9:49 am

Ben,
I have been reading this blog line for a while to see if I could find anything constructive to add. I don’t know if this will be, but here goes.

I am having a hard time following much of it just because of the *****s and a few-what must be typos or mistakes like at the end of this section:

“As Adam leaves, Marcus gets up slowly, takes out the Tire Iron from his belt, runs and slams Adam in the back of the head. Adam falls. Marcus then drags a bulky container over and takes the lid off. It’s full of pieces of rotting food waste, crawling with worms/maggots(toxic soup!). With vein-popping fury, Marcus picks up the container and gushes it onto Adam who tries to block some of the sludge with his hand — coughing, spitting.

Marcus points the Tire-Iron at Adam.

FARAH
Stay away from her.

He runs back into KAMA-SIN.

INT. KAMA-SIN - MAIN AREA - NIGHT “
———–

I think maybe instead of FARAH saying,
“Stay away from her.”

Should that have been MARCUS’s line? I don’t know. I really don’t know who is talking there.

And which “He” is it that runs back into the Club. I think it must be Marcus, but make it clearer:

Marcus runs back into the . . .

BUT,

My biggest concern is that I do not find Marcus’s character at all sympathetic. I do not like the guy. At ALL. From the first scene you posted I thought he was a mean bullying blowhard Wimp–not at all worthy Farah’s leaving even her sorted life to follow him anywhere.

I also find that the use of bad language never accomplishes what you are trying to convey. At best it may shock. But probably not. Overused–it just becomes annoying white noise. Besides there are much better and more effective ways to show either a black hearted evil nemesis’ vile temper or a true hero’s rage. I also think it just makes anything harder to sell. And not very many Audience members actually respect a writer who resorts to the lowest common denominator of language. I think just by replacing the bad language with more creative language would greatly improve the readability of the script and especially the way the reader feels about one of the main characters, Marcus. The curse words may well be the character’s sub-text thoughts and how he really feels, but the overt language needs to be heightened for my taste.

I think you may have the body of a good tale in place here with your general story line, though, but I really want to be able to like the main Characters more.

–Aaron

Aaron Aadamson said, in November 5th, 2007 at 10:35 am

Michael,
I like it.
Especially the expanded Logline. Gets my curiosity going.

The adult dialog is quite good, too.

How old are the kids in the original flashback? I can’t get a sense of their age from their interests in comic books vs their use of language.

I like the thread of his appeal to the ladies as a creative person, even though that may have made him a bit of a loner and shy? Leaves room to grow.

Is the old guy like his Merlin, in some way, appearing to him throughout his life?

I can hardly wait to see how you have connected the Headlines to his own writing. I gather that from his POV, he writes something, and the next day it shows up in the headlines, so he starts to question his sanity.

Please share some more with us?
–Aaron.

Michael_C said, in November 5th, 2007 at 5:10 pm

Thanks Aaron!

Yes, Belial is somewhat of a “guide” and aide to Gray as a youngster, but his motives become obviously sinister as the story progresses.

If you’d like to read the whole thing, just give me your email addy and I’ll shoot it to ya.

Thanks again.
MC

Benjamin said, in November 5th, 2007 at 5:12 pm

Hey Aaron Aadamson,

You got some good points.

But I strongly feel that the climate of “cinema” is changing for every style of genre — Action, Adventure, Comedy, Crime/Gangster, Drama, Epics/HistoricalHorror,
Musicals, Science Fiction, War.

Regards,
Ben

Amz said, in November 6th, 2007 at 12:49 am

Re: language/swearing. I think it is perfectly fine to swear in a screenplay, particularly one for film. For tv it might be a bit different, but I think you’ve got to the crux of the matter Ben, cinema is changing. And swearing can be very true to life. I doubt it shocks any more (theatre may argue it can), but to me it’s real and it works with the atmosphere of Marcus and Farah.

I like this excerpt a lot Ben. Especially how you went from Marcus being beaten up to Farah dancing, the juxtaposition was a good way to enhance the tension. But I would like to see a bit more of a distinction between Oscar and James. They may be quite minor characters, but every character has a role. I felt they swapped theirs.

At first Oscar is doing the talking, and James is doing the beating, then Oscar does the beating and James is there for back up, then James is the one who goes and tells Adam what is going on. Do you think it would be sharper if Oscar was one with high status? I think what they do and who does it could be fine, but I kept asking “why is it James going to tell Adam and not Oscar?” Could Oscar tell James to go and inform Adam of what is going on? I know it seems like a minor thing, but I think it would make their role a lot stronger.

The other thing about these two is that Oscar has a few lines where he speaks quite properly. I like that, I think it could be further enhanced (and might go towards establishing his status).

Re: Marcus. Do you think having a moment where Marcus almost gives up would also help the audience invest in his character more? He is clearly being seriously beaten up, but it seemed a bit like he was waiting for the right time to get up and hit back. Could you maybe have him get up and stumble or spit blood or something like that to make us wonder whether he has the will to go at Adam? Or even have him pick up something instead of using the Tire-Iron?

The dialogue between Marcus and Farah at the end is good, but I’m not sure if it conveys the urgency of the situation. What about if you cut Marcus’s first line:

“MARCUS
(talking to her back)
It’s time to leave.”

And had him go up to her and take her hand or put his hand on her shoulder or something like that to indicate he wants her to leave? And does she know that’s why he’s there? Or should there be a bit of exposition (eg “why are you here?” stuff)?

Hope that’s helpful. I think this is a great script.

Deirdre said, in November 6th, 2007 at 2:47 am

It’s so hard to get a feel for a character or a screenplay from an excerpt, this seems to be near the finale? Marcus has turned out to be a tough guy and not sure how the love match is proceeding, by which I mean, it seems they’re still interested in each other but before they get to settle for the American Dream the devils must be slain. Well-trodded ground. I think you’ve got some action packed visuals that will appeal. Dialogue feels a bit clunky perhaps.

I’m curious about the climate of cinema and how it is changing. I believe it is, just because everything changes, but not sure if violence and bad language signifies that change. Swearing in a stage play used to be considered lazy, now I think it’s more acceptable, but large doses do become tiresome. I’m not speaking of your work, just in general.

This feels solidly in the camp of a beat-em-up good guy bad guy, and good guy rescues & gets the girl. Is Farah as passive as she seems?

That would be my one question or hope, that she is not purely a victim, but someone who can help to determine her own destiny.

Thanks for the excerpt, good work.

Benjamin said, in November 6th, 2007 at 4:50 am

Hello Amz,

Happy to see you have a sharp “hawk” eye when it comes reading and analyzing.

Your strength shines.

Your view — well taken and very direct and honest.

You are able to analyze the frame of each major scenes. You got something here.

Thanks for the feedback. I have applied some of your advice.

Regards
Benjamin

Benjamin said, in November 6th, 2007 at 5:08 am

Hello Deirdre,

I did a survey with avid movie goers — University students /college studens /and just married crowd. Since my writing is heavily influenced by “cnn.com” and “mtv.com” and all of the weekly top ten on “rottentomatoes.com”

Don’t hate me. I’m just being honest.

I found from this survey, they love movies like Scarface, The Departed, The Sapranos, Kill Bill, Sin City. Kill Bill 1 and 2 is about Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, Uma Thurman!!!!! Its not a guy movie. An acquaitance wife loved this movie.

I’m not saying that my script is as good as those.

And when I write — I assist the director and cinematographer with the visualization.

I hope to move into film directing after I finish 2 more scripts. In this life — I just want four screenplays and then if I don’t option them, I will direct one after another. That is if they get financed.

When a director reads the script, he or she has to be motivated to visualize the scene.

Hope this explains how I write.

Regards
Benjamin

Deirdre said, in November 6th, 2007 at 7:35 pm

[Edited on 7th Nov on request from Deirdre - looking forward to the next draft... ]

Deirdre said, in November 6th, 2007 at 7:59 pm

Phil, I meant to *** the f***s, but I see I missed two. If you have the powers and if you care, please fix them up?

Sorry for the bother.

Ben said, in November 6th, 2007 at 8:53 pm

Hey Deirdre,

You got an organic script here.

But it tends to move into “novel” territory - just a bit.

Some of you sentence structure is too academic — meaning — might be too busy for the directors/editors vision.

‘use a smaller paint brush”…

Regards
Benjamin

Philip said, in November 6th, 2007 at 8:55 pm

I’ve starred the ***s D - thanks for flagging them up.

Deirdre said, in November 6th, 2007 at 10:34 pm

Benjamin,
Awesome, you read it! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
Organic is such an interesting description of it.

I’m digesting your comments - novel territory and a smaller paintbrush.

Thanks again.

Deirdre

(thanks Phil!)

Michael_C said, in November 6th, 2007 at 11:04 pm

Hey Deirdre!

Great scenes! That Chelsea’s a bit of a loon, eh? lol

At any rate, I found these few scene quite enjoyable.

I would second the notion that your narrative boarders on novel-style. There are times, for example, where I would tend to further disect a scene, like the card table scenario, into more detail. Instead of having them, check, raise, and call in the narrative, I’d actually have them do that via dialogue as well. But it works fine as is, truly.

I enjoy how you write vertically. That is very helpful when reading scripts. However, I also try to keep in mind the “rhythm” of the read. Just as scenes are made of up “beats”, so is each passage of narrative. There should be a natural rhythm to the flow (and pacing) of the narrative (and the dialogue, for that matter).

Your dialogue rocks! No question. You’re leaps and bounds ahead of me there.

Cant wait to read more. Great stuff!
~Michael

Deirdre said, in November 7th, 2007 at 12:37 am

Hi Michael,
Thanks for reading!
I’m glad you explained what is meant by ‘novel’ -
In the poker scene I meant to leave some directorial room for organizing the game, but maybe that’s not how it’s done.
I don’t know, I’m new at screenwriting. So it’s good to get a heads up from those in the know.

You’re very kind to compliment the dialogue, & I’m happy you enjoyed the scenes.

Thanks for stopping.

Deirdre

Gary said, in November 7th, 2007 at 1:26 am

Hi Deirdre,

Thanks for posting your sample. I have to second michael’s comment, your dialogue is very well crafted.

It’s hard to imagine what your description would look like in proper format but I do think it could be cut and condensed even further than what you have. What I am talking about are only minor trims. A tightening up.

The one thing I did have trouble with that no one mentioned was with the names of Claire and Chelsea. Sometimes when reading I had to go back to remember which one was which. A rule of thumb I heard was to try and not give any two major character the same starting alphabet letter. As in this case “c”.

Other than that great job!

Michael_C said, in November 7th, 2007 at 1:50 am

INT. PENTAGON – GYMNASIUM – LATE AFTERNOON

Terri jogs at a good pace on a treadmill.

Her eyes are rigidly focused forward, her ears plugged with a headset. Her arms churn stronger as the rhythm increases.

With each THUMP of her feet on the moving
platform –-

FLASHBACK:

A Korean soldier hoists Terri’s bound body upon a tall wooden post. She is sweaty and dirty. Her mouth is tapped with her arms tied behind her.
She awakens.

END FLAHSBACK:

Again, THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

Her feet pound the rubber surface of the treadmill. Her eyes squint as the memories flood her mind.

FLASHBACK:

TERRI’S P.O.V. – Two Korean soldiers bark at each other, laughing as they approach her with filthy, menacing grins.

The room is dark with a low red glow. The men are armed.

END FLAHSBACK:

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

Terri’s pace is frantic. Her face is flustered and pallid.

FLASHBACK:

A sharp blade moves across Terri’s stomach. She whimpers as it touches her skin. The soldier is silent for a long moment before –-

SLASH!

Terri’s muffled scream engulfs the room and echoes in agony.

The other soldier steps forward revealing a long hypodermic needle.

TERRI
(muffled)
Noooooo!

END FLAHSBACK:

Terri’s pace is now frenzied.

At just that moment, a YOUNG WOMAN in a NAVY sweat suit touches Terri’s arm.

YOUNG WOMAN
Are you ok?

TERRI
Ahhhhh!

Still engaged in her visions of torture, Terri snaps.

She lunges at the young woman, taking her to the floor in one swift, almost elegant moment.

YOUNG WOMAN
Wait. Wait!

TWO MEN appear just in time to pull Terri off of the helpless woman. Terri remains on the floor as the men help the young woman to her feet.

There is a dense, awkward moment of uncertainty as Terri emerges from her daze.

TERRI
My God… I’m so sorry. I don’t know what… I don’t know what… I’m… sorry.

YOUNG WOMAN
(confused)
What the hell’s the matter with you?

The three wander off gossiping about the episode.

Terri is left amid the row of empty treadmills, clutching her head in despair.

INT. ZHING’S CHAMBER – NORTH KOREA - NIGHT

Zhing wears a regal robe and sits in a remote corner of his quarters. Ancient chimes fill the dimly lit area.

TWO STRIKING ASIAN WOMEN dance in intricate, synchronized movements. They are adorned in ritualistic dress.

They brandish MASSIVE SWORDS.

Zhing appears pleased with the enchanting display of skill.

An older woman enters and bows before the General. She whispers something into his ear.
Whatever she says, it pisses him off.

INT. ZHING’S BASE - CELL – NIGHT

Lee Wong is perched in the middle of the cell facing the door. He is not restrained, nor does he appear fearful.

In fact, he seems jubilant.

TWO SOLDIERS storm through the door jarring the flimsy man from his smile.

SOLDIER
Get up! Get up! Let’s go.

LEE WONG
But… What… Where are we going?

There are no answers.

INT. ZHING’S BASE - HALLWAY – NIGHT

Lee Wong scurries closely behind his escorts, horrified at the wretched sights lining the hallway.

They walls are made of glass. Behind them are GROUPS OF SICKLY CAPTIVES.

Their eyes, sagging and blood-stained, pierce Lee Wong.

INT. ZHING’S CHAMBER – NIGHT

The soldiers escort Lee Wong to the darkened area of Zhing’s chamber. Zhing does not respond.

He stares blankly at the two gorgeous court dancers in the midst of displaying their dancing and martial acumen.

When –

SOLDIER
Pardon, General. We’ve brought Lee Wong as you’ve instructed.

The General does not speak. He gives a glower that signals the soldiers to their task.

Lee Wong is placed on the makeshift stage, directly between the two deadly dancing beauties.

The women continue their choreographed court dance, narrowly missing Lee Wong with each passing of their huge swords.

His joy is replaced with angst.

LEE WONG
Noble General. I have done what you asked? My son…

SWOOSH!

The phrase is cut short as the dancers stops and extend their swords to his neck.

The tips of the blades are but an inch from penetration.

Then –-

GENERAL ZHING
I do not wish to hear your words Mr. Lee. Your time to speak has ended. Now, you will listen.
(beat)
Your directives were very clear Mr. Lee. Your son was to follow the agenda set forth in the material provided to him. From what I understand, he did not.

LEE WONG
But…

CLINK!

Again, the blades move closer to Wong’s neck

GENERAL ZHING
There is more involved here than you understand. A substantial amount of planning went into developing that agenda. You are costing me, Mr. Lee. Costing me time. Money. Peace of mind.
(beat)
I am very displeased.

The women retract their weapons and begin to sway again, slowly.

GENERAL ZHING (CONT.)
I will let you leave, Mr. Lee, because I have no further use for you. I will evaluate your role in this fiasco and you – your family - will be compensated accordingly.

LEE WONG
Thank you General.

Beat.

GENERAL ZHING
Unfortunately, for you…

SWOOSH!

In one graceful motion, both women circle their swords, tearing Lee Wong’s head from his narrow shoulders.

His feeble frame falls flaccid.

GENERAL ZHING (CONT.)
…man’s affairs are evaluated only after his coffin is closed.

Michael_C said, in November 7th, 2007 at 1:53 am

Sorry about the lack of an intro in the earlier post… The title of this script is: A CALL TO DUTY.
—————–
This is the premise:
In the not-too-distant future, the US is in another cold war. But this time with a secessionist faction of North Korea. They’ve hit before, and now threaten to strike harder than ever. Their target: The nation’s capital. But not the White House or the Pentagon. They strike the massive underground Metrorail transit system during the peak of the evening commute. Lt. Terri Torrance, a recently retired special operative for the Defense Department, is on board when the viral weapon is released in the intricate maze of tunnels. She must race against time, and an unknown traitor, to save her fellow passengers, the city, and the nation from complete destruction.
——————

Any feedback, as before, is very welcomed.
Michael

Benjamin said, in November 7th, 2007 at 3:14 am

Hey Michael C

Overall I had on question about part of your sample — for example — as an execise, see if you can simplify this — its a tad too busy.

“They are adorned in ritualistic dress”

I was reading Ang Lee’s recent script and technically there are words in the screenwriting business that are used and not used. You don’t want to fall under the radar.

Your sample has a few of these.

Hope this help.

Michael_C said, in November 7th, 2007 at 3:29 am

I certainly see your perspective Benjamin.

Punctuation is important. I’ve read several scripts wherein the use of the hyphen and the ellipses is used in particular situations. I’m glad to get this feedback from you, as I can now address the lack of clarity in the reading.

I revel in using (and juxtaposing) various elements of story. And in how it’s scripted.

“They are adorned in ritualistic dress”

This gives a reader the chance to engage in the story. They are are now able to create their own visual, and feel a part of the storytelling process.

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
~Michael

Deirdre said, in November 7th, 2007 at 4:34 am

First off, Gary thank you so much for reading. Funny, but I did consider those two C names, but I thought the Ch and the hard C might compensate, well in sound they do, but not on the page.
I might have to dig deeper. I’m more than glad you found something to like in this..

Michael!
That’s an awesome exciting scene!
I just loved it, very professional. Hell, we’re not reduced to talking about punctuation here are we?

It’s great & riveting.

Deirdre

Michael_C said, in November 7th, 2007 at 4:55 am

Thanks a bunch Deirdre!
I really appreciate that.
Punctuation’s my uber-weak area. LOL

Thanks again.
Michael

Paula said, in November 7th, 2007 at 12:03 pm

HI there! I’m new here although I have been reading your comments etc for a while. Thought i’d finally get up the courage to say Hello!

Deirdre I just wanted to say i enjoyed reading your script sample!
I hope i’m not too rude (especially being a newbie!) in saying that I too was a bit confused between Claire and Chelsea, but only the part in the field where Claire stomps the fires out and their interaction just after that moment. When Chelsea says: Good, good girl I had to go back and read a few passages again. I get the impression that Claire is the one who is more in control and the carer for Chelsea and would have expected Claire to be the one who calls Chelsea a good girl? (It felt to me like the characters switched for a few lines.)I know - I have probably read it wrong! I am very new to script writing… :o)
I really enjoyed it though and look forward to more of it? The Tattoo connection has me intrigued!
Regards
Paula
P.s I have also been reading everyone’s story in story-scratchpad. It’s really good, but no-one has added to it - I’m too chicken, so somebody?
(Cluck cluck….)<~ that was meant to be me by the way! :o)

Amz said, in November 7th, 2007 at 3:34 pm

Oh dear, there has been so much posted here, it’s hard to keep up.

Mlewys, sorry I didn’t comment before. I like your idea so far, I’m interested in the story, where the mother is and WHY she is there, so you definitely engaged me. I’d like to see more of it.

Ben, glad you found my comments helpful. Thanks for the compliment on my analysing skills!

Deirdre, I like your excerpt and before I read anyone else’s feedback I thought about mentioning my confusion over Chelsea and Claire. Not the names so much, but like Paula said, the section when Claire gets back on the motorbike. The dynamic seemed to change completely. As for their actual names, I thought it was fine having two C’s, I assumed they were sisters or something, is that close?

The card game - this could be very tense. Do you think you could maybe even draw it out for a few moments longer with pauses or people staring each other down, leaving the game, folding etc? (a *very* aside note - for a great scripted poker game, you could see Patrick Marber’s play “Dealer’s Choice”).

I agree with Michael and Ben, your dialogue is excellent, and there’s some great imagery as well. I particularly liked the establishing shot with Claire. But I did wonder about the barn. Are they living there or just staying there? Would there be other items to indicate either way? The kettle does suggest a more permanent thing, but it could seem a bit out of place if it’s the only thing.

I also liked the image of Chelsea throwing matches. Is this (or is it going to be) something explored further? It could get very interesting, I very much like it.

Michael, I really liked your excerpt from “A Call to Duty”, particularly the bit with Terri. From what I’ve read of your stuff, you are really good with flashbacks and other similar sequences. And I liked the way Terri’s speed on the treadmill increased as the intensity of the flashbacks did.

The second part, in North Korea, didn’t seem as strong to me. I can’t quite put my finger on why that is. Where in the script does this action take place? If it is near the start, do you think the transition from Terri’s encounter to the North Korea scene might be too sudden?

Also, the direction for Lee Wong to seem “jubilant” seemed to alienate me from him, so I didn’t sympathise when he was killed. What kind of reaction do you want from his death? I really liked that the dancers killed him though, that was a very nice move on your part.

Hope to see more soon!

Deirdre said, in November 7th, 2007 at 4:05 pm

Paula (welcome!) and Amz,
My god thanks for finding that name-switch, I can’t believe I didn’t see it myself, yes I got the two names reversed in that small section. Damn I hate it when that happens!

Obviously the names are causing even me confusion.
I’ll be changing Chelsea’s name to Rebecca. I really appreciate that. And I’m glad you both enjoyed the sample.

Amy, that’s an interesting point too about the barn, but it in later scenes it will be clear what the barn serves as. I don’t think all questions need to be answered up front.
And yes the poker game can be expanded I agree, again I’m not too sure how much the writer needs to do and how much is the director’s job. I would love more feedback on that point.

This is a first draft, a rough draft and I just kinda threw it out there.

Thanks so much for responding, I’m glad you liked the imagery Amy, appreciate that.

Paula don’t be shy on the story scratchpad! it needs you!

Deirdre said, in November 7th, 2007 at 4:09 pm

Philip,

Could you please delete my script sample above?
I’ve got lots of great feedback from it and I hate having a rough draft that needs revision out online. Not to mention this thread is getting hellishly long!

Thanks.
And thanks to all who commented, very grateful.
Deirdre

Philip said, in November 7th, 2007 at 4:18 pm

All deleted and looking forward to revision, D.

This is a long thread, but it works for me - all very scrollable - is anyone trouble navigating it?

Michael_C said, in November 7th, 2007 at 4:22 pm

Hey Amz!

Thanks for the constructive feedback.
I hear all the time about the dangers of using flashbacks and other scripting elements that are typically overused by most novices.

And as I’m certainly one of those, I’m extra careful about where I use them. Glad to know it translated as intended.

As for the following scene in Korea, Lee Wong (in the sequence before this one) had finally heard confirmation from his son regarding the semi-successful execution of Zhing’s plan in the US. Hence, his jubilant mood. He think’s he’s in the clear. That is, until his head goes flying. LOL

“Jubilant” isn’t the right term though, so I’ll probably change that. Thanks for pointing it out.

That’s one element of this sequence that doesn’t seem to work out of context. But I’m really glad you liked the dancers… That’s one of my favs. It makes the scene more unique, i think. Again, much thanks!

Mlewys said, in November 8th, 2007 at 1:27 am

Thank you, Amz, for the feedback. I try to leave enough hooks to interest the audience, but also not frustrate them too much. It’s just a start and I knkow right where I’m going with it; it’s the actual getting there in form and style that’s the fun.

I wish I had more to offer in the way of feedback for the others. This is my very first script and feel quite the novice. I will try to participate more.

Paula said, in November 8th, 2007 at 9:54 am

Dierdre:
Thanks for your advice on not being shy on story scratchpad - I took a chance and added to your Laboratory part - I hope I didn’t ruin your story plan? (As for me I have no plan - Haven’t got a clue where it’s going!)

Glad to help with your character lines for Chelsea and Claire - You can’t imagine how relieved I was when I read your reply, I spent a sleepless night worrying that I had stuffed up on my first ever ‘Blog comment’!
Not long ago I wrote a story and sent it to some friends for their opinions - I had changed the name of one of the characters half way through and had forgotten to go back and change the old name at the begining - I had them totally confused as they couldn’t figure out where this strange ‘new’ character had come from!

Michael_c : I know it’s going back a bit further but I meant to say I Loved your story about Gray. Your style of writing is great - I really felt like I was seeing it happen. Hopefully one day we will get to in real life, huh!

Paula.

Deirdre said, in November 8th, 2007 at 4:38 pm

Hi Paula,
Yes I appreciated that very much, no sleepless nights required even when there are mistakes, there will always be mistakes, not a worry.

so glad you got story scratchpad up and running again, I’ve already added to it.
Now, it’s not any idea you know, none of us know where it’s going, we’re just throwing scenes up, the main thing I think is to keep it moving forward and not worry about other people’s intentions, just try to incorporate what’s gone before. That’s not gonna always be possible because it’s not entirely consistent with itself, but who cares! It’s fun anyway.

And if you’ve got an idea you want to pursue, simply return to the scene and continue it.

Or change the scene, or anything you like! Total freedom!

Glad you’re participating.
Deirdre

Michael_C said, in November 8th, 2007 at 5:51 pm

Hi Paula! (that’s my late mother’s name, by the way… so good vibes already! lol)

Thanks for that observation. That’s always the biggest compliment to receive: that the writing can actually be “seen” as it’s being read. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

As for seeing it on the screen? From your mouth to heaven’s ears!!!
~Michael

Paula said, in November 9th, 2007 at 12:17 pm

Michael_C

Lets hope heaven is listening then huh? :o)

I also enjoyed ‘call of duty’, although I do agree with Amz that the transition from Terri to North Korea does seem a bit sudden (But hey what do I know!)Do we know what Lee Wong’s son is up to by this stage?

I really Loved your Dissecting dancers - I bet Lee Wong didn’t see that coming!! (What goes Hahahahahaha - Bump? ……. - A witch laughing her head off! - I know it’s an old one - and not a very good one!) :o)

I really like how you do your Flashbacks too. I have read that you should avoid using them in script writing, but I wonder if it’s sometimes needed to show how the character got to where their at now?
Maybe they mean unless you can do them well? (Which you seem able to do!)

I wonder, as I have a story idea that starts off 30 years ago but the main part is present day.
I don’t know wether to start it with an intro of ‘30 years ago’ and then move it forward to now, or to use a flashback later in the story?
Any advice?

Philip, what do you think of using flashbacks?
Is it something you need to be able to do really well to use or does it depend on the story you are telling?

Does anyone else have any advice on this?

Thanks!

Paula

(*Idea….. I know - I will write my story and get Michael_C to do my flashbacks!! Problem solved!! LOL!)

Michael_C said, in November 9th, 2007 at 1:36 pm

Hi Paula!
Thanks so much for reading. And enjoying.
I’m just as much a novice as you… so I’m not sure if I did it well, or got it completely screwed up. lol

I’ve read the same “rule” about not using flashbacks. I honestly think that’s a rule that applies to novices who still don’t quite understand the timeliness of exposition and tend to revert to using flashbacks as an easy out. I think as long as they are used sparingly and help to push the story, and the characters motivations, forward then it’s completely fine.

I mean… how many movies have we seen that use flashbacks? TONS! So apparently that’s not a true “rule”. lol I read one guys script (another newbie) and there seemed to be a flashback in almost every other scene. So I see certainly see where the experts are coming from.

I try to limit my use of them, and only do it with the protagonist (not smaller characters). Also, if it’s just there for “cool effects” and isn’t a necessary story element, then why use it?

In “The Darkest Shade of Gray”, I actually began the movie 30 YEARS AGO. I thought it was (1) a serviceable “hook” for the first few pages and (2) it was an effective way to introduce the Belial character (the antagonist) earlier as opposed to via a flashback halfway through the first act.

What ever helps the pacing, tension building, and overall clarity of the story is what I’d suggest.

And yes, I’d be honored to do some flashback with ya. Not sure how good they’ll be though. lol I’m a neophyte too. lol

PS: I actually never heard that joke before. It made ME smile.

Thanks again…
look forward to reading your work soon.
Michael

Michael_C said, in November 9th, 2007 at 2:12 pm

Paula and Amz - Upon reviewing what I posted, I noticed that those scenes, although in order, are actually parts of two different sequences. Terri’s “breakdown” came after a very tense DOD briefing and a run-in with a malicious ex-lover.

The sequence with Zhing and Wong is essentially another storyline that (due to pacing) I had to revisit. What I posted is actually at the end of ACT I and certainly explains the confusion. But I’ll revisit it again to make sure it “flows”.

If you care to read more… the below sequence is where Lee Wong’s son (Lee Chang), and his dilemma are introduced (as well as another character - Aludra) and it occurs about 10-15 minutes prior to the previous post.

Thanks!
Michael
——————-

EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE – MORNING

PROTESTERS AND THE MEDIA alike flood the crowded sidewalk outside the gates of the President’s home.

Discharged from the crowd are cries of anti-terrorist rhetoric and organized chants.

PROTESTORS
Free-dom now! Free-dom now!

Most of them hold hand-drawn or stenciled signs:
“STOP ARAB TERROR!”
“WE WILL NOT LIVE IN FEAR… OF MUSLIMS”
“AMERICA – HOME OF FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY”

Across from them are equally ardent protesters with signs supporting the opposing view:
“WAR IS THE TERRORISM OF THE STRONG – TERRORISM IS THE WAR OF THE WEAK”

One hippie woman holds a sign that reads: “WORLD’S NUMBER ONE TERRORIST”.
Below it is the stenciled shape of the United States.

A MALE REPORTER and a CAMERAMAN stand amid the chaos as they begin an interview with a YOUNG ARAB AMERICAN WOMAN.

REPORTER
(into the camera)
This is Stewart Stark reporting live from Washington, DC where literally hundreds of protesters have gathered in both opposition of and support for both sides of this tumultuous anti-terrorism debate.
(beat)
With me, is Aludra Abdullah, a third-year medical student at George Washington University.
(to Aludra)
Why are you here today, Aludra?

She is passionate and embittered.

ALUDRA
I’m here because of the oppressions and prejudices imposed upon Arab-Americans since the horrible tragedy of 9/11, solely on the basis of our religion and our ethnicity. What people fail to realize is there are huge differences between traditional Muslims and murderous radical extremists.

INT. LEE HOME – KITCHEN - MORNING – CONTINUOUS

MOTHER LEE, 51, sits at a small rickety table in the middle of the meager, yet tidy kitchen. She looks concerned.

The room is filled with the smoke from her cigarette.

She extinguishes it firmly, never pulling her eyes away from the interview with Aludra on TV.

ALUDRA (CONT.)
(on the TV)
Every Muslim is not an Arab. Every Arab is not a Muslim. And we are certainly all not terrorist! I mean… Who are they protesting here? A terrorist threat? Or an entire nation of people?
(beat)
There will come a day when this world will realize that the terrorist threat is rooted in neither religion nor race, but in politics and foreign policy. Bad politics… and bad foreign policy.

CUT TO:

EXT. LEE HOME – MORNING - CONTINUOUS
A sweaty, exasperated LEE CHANG, 19, tips lightly into the gate in front of the suburban home.

He clutches a duffle bag firmly under his arm as he dashes for the door.

He peeks over his shoulder suspiciously before he enters.

INT. LEE HOME – MORNING - CONTINUOUS

No sooner than he closes the door –-

MOTHER LEE
(in Korean)
Where have you been? Did you do as you were instructed?

She is small and fragile but her voice is as harsh as nails against a blackboard.

Lee Chang slowly turns to his mother with a tortured expression.

He shakes his head in disappointment and hurries towards the basement stairwell.

MOTHER LEE
Your father has been calling all morning. Do you realize how important this is to him?
(beat)
To us?

LEE CHANG
Please, mother. I know.

He doesn’t stop his charge.

MOTHER LEE
Your father has always done what was right for you. Chang, please. Wait!

He stops short, just before entering the basement door. But he does not turn around.

Mother Lee is no longer frantic. She seems sympathetic to her restless son.

MOTHER LEE (CONT.)
I know this is not easy for you. But this small sacrifice will ensure the survival of our family for many generations.
(beat)
We owe it to your father.

Chang’s face is incredulous. His eyes are cold. His mother’s words are no consolation.

LEE CHANG
No. He owes it to me. It’s a parent’s job to make life easier for their children. Not harder.

He enters the stairwell and slams the door behind him.

Mother Lee touches her hand lovingly over the door, as if her son were still there.

MOTHER LEE
(softly)
I’m sorry son.

INT. LEE HOME - BASEMENT – MORNING - CONTINUOUS

Just a few overhead lights illuminate the dark basement. The walls are plastered with technical drawings and sketches.

It looks like part workshop - part laboratory.

There is a newspaper article tacked to a board that boasts: “Korean Teen Graduates Summa Cum Laude from M.I.T.”

The Korean teen is Chang.

He makes his way to a workbench in the corner, CLICKING the lamp above it. He places the duffle bag on top.

He opens it to reveal a crude metal box-shaped device with a simple control panel on the side.

He stares at it with contempt.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LEE HOME – NIGHT – TWO MONTHS EARLIER

Lee Chang enters the back door and heads towards his basement lab.

He stops short, distracted by voices coming from the living room.

INT. LEE HOME – HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

He creeps slowly towards the archway that leads from the hall to the living room, careful not to be heard.

He sets up post to eavesdrop.

INT. LEE HOME – LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Wong sits riddled with anxiety in the modest lounge chair.

Across from him is an OFFICIOUS MAN, 45, sharply dressed and obviously all about business.

Standing close by with his usual grimace is Mr. Kim who hovers above the two bartering men.

OFFICIOUS MAN
(speaking Korean)
If your son is as good as the newspapers say he is, this should be a piece of cake.

LEE WONG
Oh, he is as good as they say. In fact, he is better. I am a very proud father.

OFFICIOUS MAN
And if he were to agree to assist the General, your country would be proud of him as well. Additionally, your debts to the General would be overlooked and your family would be very well compensated. This could be very good for you, Lee Wong.
(beat)
Or very, very bad.

Mr. Kim stretches his neck in the restrictive collar of his plain black suit. He frowns down upon Lee Wong through his reflective silver shades.

Lee Wong begins to understand the mandatory nature of this deal.

LEE WONG
No problem. Consider it done.

OFFICIOUS MAN
Very good then. Mr. Kim? Shall we?

The pompous man gathers his briefcase and stands up beside the massive Mr. Kim.

Lee Wong rises to escort them out.

LEE WONG
Please. Tell the General of my gratitude for this opportunity.

OFFICIOUS MAN
You can tell him yourself. He has requested your presence. We will pick you up

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