This thread is for anyone to post any of their writing for anyone to critique.
Once again, as I have no clear idea on the copyright situation, I’m going to say you post under the clear understanding I’m not responsible if your idea gets swiped and turned into the next $200m movie without you! (Though, once again, the fact that any idea is posted up here would seem to tie that idea to you at this time, which may be a good thing? I don’t know. )
Normal site rules apply – minors read this site regularly, so keep it clean and keep the comments constructive and on topic please. It’s the easiest thing in the world to dismantle – making something better is the art.
I’m also going to reserve the right to delete posts or comments if I judge they’re getting off beam for any reason.
Enjoy!
How To Write A Screenplay
{ 91 comments… read them below or add one }
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Hey Aaron Aadamson,
You got some good points.
But I strongly feel that the climate of “cinema” is changing for every style of genre — Action, Adventure, Comedy, Crime/Gangster, Drama, Epics/HistoricalHorror,
Musicals, Science Fiction, War.
Regards,
Ben
Re: language/swearing. I think it is perfectly fine to swear in a screenplay, particularly one for film. For tv it might be a bit different, but I think you’ve got to the crux of the matter Ben, cinema is changing. And swearing can be very true to life. I doubt it shocks any more (theatre may argue it can), but to me it’s real and it works with the atmosphere of Marcus and Farah.
I like this excerpt a lot Ben. Especially how you went from Marcus being beaten up to Farah dancing, the juxtaposition was a good way to enhance the tension. But I would like to see a bit more of a distinction between Oscar and James. They may be quite minor characters, but every character has a role. I felt they swapped theirs.
At first Oscar is doing the talking, and James is doing the beating, then Oscar does the beating and James is there for back up, then James is the one who goes and tells Adam what is going on. Do you think it would be sharper if Oscar was one with high status? I think what they do and who does it could be fine, but I kept asking “why is it James going to tell Adam and not Oscar?” Could Oscar tell James to go and inform Adam of what is going on? I know it seems like a minor thing, but I think it would make their role a lot stronger.
The other thing about these two is that Oscar has a few lines where he speaks quite properly. I like that, I think it could be further enhanced (and might go towards establishing his status).
Re: Marcus. Do you think having a moment where Marcus almost gives up would also help the audience invest in his character more? He is clearly being seriously beaten up, but it seemed a bit like he was waiting for the right time to get up and hit back. Could you maybe have him get up and stumble or spit blood or something like that to make us wonder whether he has the will to go at Adam? Or even have him pick up something instead of using the Tire-Iron?
The dialogue between Marcus and Farah at the end is good, but I’m not sure if it conveys the urgency of the situation. What about if you cut Marcus’s first line:
“MARCUS
(talking to her back)
It’s time to leave.”
And had him go up to her and take her hand or put his hand on her shoulder or something like that to indicate he wants her to leave? And does she know that’s why he’s there? Or should there be a bit of exposition (eg “why are you here?” stuff)?
Hope that’s helpful. I think this is a great script.
It’s so hard to get a feel for a character or a screenplay from an excerpt, this seems to be near the finale? Marcus has turned out to be a tough guy and not sure how the love match is proceeding, by which I mean, it seems they’re still interested in each other but before they get to settle for the American Dream the devils must be slain. Well-trodded ground. I think you’ve got some action packed visuals that will appeal. Dialogue feels a bit clunky perhaps.
I’m curious about the climate of cinema and how it is changing. I believe it is, just because everything changes, but not sure if violence and bad language signifies that change. Swearing in a stage play used to be considered lazy, now I think it’s more acceptable, but large doses do become tiresome. I’m not speaking of your work, just in general.
This feels solidly in the camp of a beat-em-up good guy bad guy, and good guy rescues & gets the girl. Is Farah as passive as she seems?
That would be my one question or hope, that she is not purely a victim, but someone who can help to determine her own destiny.
Thanks for the excerpt, good work.
Hello Amz,
Happy to see you have a sharp “hawk” eye when it comes reading and analyzing.
Your strength shines.
Your view — well taken and very direct and honest.
You are able to analyze the frame of each major scenes. You got something here.
Thanks for the feedback. I have applied some of your advice.
Regards
Benjamin
Hello Deirdre,
I did a survey with avid movie goers — University students /college studens /and just married crowd. Since my writing is heavily influenced by “cnn.com” and “mtv.com” and all of the weekly top ten on “rottentomatoes.com”
Don’t hate me. I’m just being honest.
I found from this survey, they love movies like Scarface, The Departed, The Sapranos, Kill Bill, Sin City. Kill Bill 1 and 2 is about Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, Uma Thurman!!!!! Its not a guy movie. An acquaitance wife loved this movie.
I’m not saying that my script is as good as those.
And when I write — I assist the director and cinematographer with the visualization.
I hope to move into film directing after I finish 2 more scripts. In this life — I just want four screenplays and then if I don’t option them, I will direct one after another. That is if they get financed.
When a director reads the script, he or she has to be motivated to visualize the scene.
Hope this explains how I write.
Regards
Benjamin
[Edited on 7th Nov on request from Deirdre - looking forward to the next draft... ]
Phil, I meant to *** the f***s, but I see I missed two. If you have the powers and if you care, please fix them up?
Sorry for the bother.
Hey Deirdre,
You got an organic script here.
But it tends to move into “novel” territory – just a bit.
Some of you sentence structure is too academic — meaning — might be too busy for the directors/editors vision.
‘use a smaller paint brush”…
Regards
Benjamin
I’ve starred the ***s D – thanks for flagging them up.
Benjamin,
Awesome, you read it! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment.
Organic is such an interesting description of it.
I’m digesting your comments – novel territory and a smaller paintbrush.
Thanks again.
Deirdre
(thanks Phil!)
Hey Deirdre!
Great scenes! That Chelsea’s a bit of a loon, eh? lol
At any rate, I found these few scene quite enjoyable.
I would second the notion that your narrative boarders on novel-style. There are times, for example, where I would tend to further disect a scene, like the card table scenario, into more detail. Instead of having them, check, raise, and call in the narrative, I’d actually have them do that via dialogue as well. But it works fine as is, truly.
I enjoy how you write vertically. That is very helpful when reading scripts. However, I also try to keep in mind the “rhythm” of the read. Just as scenes are made of up “beats”, so is each passage of narrative. There should be a natural rhythm to the flow (and pacing) of the narrative (and the dialogue, for that matter).
Your dialogue rocks! No question. You’re leaps and bounds ahead of me there.
Cant wait to read more. Great stuff!
~Michael
Hi Michael,
Thanks for reading!
I’m glad you explained what is meant by ‘novel’ –
In the poker scene I meant to leave some directorial room for organizing the game, but maybe that’s not how it’s done.
I don’t know, I’m new at screenwriting. So it’s good to get a heads up from those in the know.
You’re very kind to compliment the dialogue, & I’m happy you enjoyed the scenes.
Thanks for stopping.
Deirdre
Hi Deirdre,
Thanks for posting your sample. I have to second michael’s comment, your dialogue is very well crafted.
It’s hard to imagine what your description would look like in proper format but I do think it could be cut and condensed even further than what you have. What I am talking about are only minor trims. A tightening up.
The one thing I did have trouble with that no one mentioned was with the names of Claire and Chelsea. Sometimes when reading I had to go back to remember which one was which. A rule of thumb I heard was to try and not give any two major character the same starting alphabet letter. As in this case “c”.
Other than that great job!
INT. PENTAGON – GYMNASIUM – LATE AFTERNOON
Terri jogs at a good pace on a treadmill.
Her eyes are rigidly focused forward, her ears plugged with a headset. Her arms churn stronger as the rhythm increases.
With each THUMP of her feet on the moving
platform –-
FLASHBACK:
A Korean soldier hoists Terri’s bound body upon a tall wooden post. She is sweaty and dirty. Her mouth is tapped with her arms tied behind her.
She awakens.
END FLAHSBACK:
Again, THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
Her feet pound the rubber surface of the treadmill. Her eyes squint as the memories flood her mind.
FLASHBACK:
TERRI’S P.O.V. – Two Korean soldiers bark at each other, laughing as they approach her with filthy, menacing grins.
The room is dark with a low red glow. The men are armed.
END FLAHSBACK:
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
Terri’s pace is frantic. Her face is flustered and pallid.
FLASHBACK:
A sharp blade moves across Terri’s stomach. She whimpers as it touches her skin. The soldier is silent for a long moment before –-
SLASH!
Terri’s muffled scream engulfs the room and echoes in agony.
The other soldier steps forward revealing a long hypodermic needle.
TERRI
(muffled)
Noooooo!
END FLAHSBACK:
Terri’s pace is now frenzied.
At just that moment, a YOUNG WOMAN in a NAVY sweat suit touches Terri’s arm.
YOUNG WOMAN
Are you ok?
TERRI
Ahhhhh!
Still engaged in her visions of torture, Terri snaps.
She lunges at the young woman, taking her to the floor in one swift, almost elegant moment.
YOUNG WOMAN
Wait. Wait!
TWO MEN appear just in time to pull Terri off of the helpless woman. Terri remains on the floor as the men help the young woman to her feet.
There is a dense, awkward moment of uncertainty as Terri emerges from her daze.
TERRI
My God… I’m so sorry. I don’t know what… I don’t know what… I’m… sorry.
YOUNG WOMAN
(confused)
What the hell’s the matter with you?
The three wander off gossiping about the episode.
Terri is left amid the row of empty treadmills, clutching her head in despair.
INT. ZHING’S CHAMBER – NORTH KOREA – NIGHT
Zhing wears a regal robe and sits in a remote corner of his quarters. Ancient chimes fill the dimly lit area.
TWO STRIKING ASIAN WOMEN dance in intricate, synchronized movements. They are adorned in ritualistic dress.
They brandish MASSIVE SWORDS.
Zhing appears pleased with the enchanting display of skill.
An older woman enters and bows before the General. She whispers something into his ear.
Whatever she says, it pisses him off.
INT. ZHING’S BASE – CELL – NIGHT
Lee Wong is perched in the middle of the cell facing the door. He is not restrained, nor does he appear fearful.
In fact, he seems jubilant.
TWO SOLDIERS storm through the door jarring the flimsy man from his smile.
SOLDIER
Get up! Get up! Let’s go.
LEE WONG
But… What… Where are we going?
There are no answers.
INT. ZHING’S BASE – HALLWAY – NIGHT
Lee Wong scurries closely behind his escorts, horrified at the wretched sights lining the hallway.
They walls are made of glass. Behind them are GROUPS OF SICKLY CAPTIVES.
Their eyes, sagging and blood-stained, pierce Lee Wong.
INT. ZHING’S CHAMBER – NIGHT
The soldiers escort Lee Wong to the darkened area of Zhing’s chamber. Zhing does not respond.
He stares blankly at the two gorgeous court dancers in the midst of displaying their dancing and martial acumen.
When –
SOLDIER
Pardon, General. We’ve brought Lee Wong as you’ve instructed.
The General does not speak. He gives a glower that signals the soldiers to their task.
Lee Wong is placed on the makeshift stage, directly between the two deadly dancing beauties.
The women continue their choreographed court dance, narrowly missing Lee Wong with each passing of their huge swords.
His joy is replaced with angst.
LEE WONG
Noble General. I have done what you asked? My son…
SWOOSH!
The phrase is cut short as the dancers stops and extend their swords to his neck.
The tips of the blades are but an inch from penetration.
Then –-
GENERAL ZHING
I do not wish to hear your words Mr. Lee. Your time to speak has ended. Now, you will listen.
(beat)
Your directives were very clear Mr. Lee. Your son was to follow the agenda set forth in the material provided to him. From what I understand, he did not.
LEE WONG
But…
CLINK!
Again, the blades move closer to Wong’s neck
GENERAL ZHING
There is more involved here than you understand. A substantial amount of planning went into developing that agenda. You are costing me, Mr. Lee. Costing me time. Money. Peace of mind.
(beat)
I am very displeased.
The women retract their weapons and begin to sway again, slowly.
GENERAL ZHING (CONT.)
I will let you leave, Mr. Lee, because I have no further use for you. I will evaluate your role in this fiasco and you – your family – will be compensated accordingly.
LEE WONG
Thank you General.
Beat.
GENERAL ZHING
Unfortunately, for you…
SWOOSH!
In one graceful motion, both women circle their swords, tearing Lee Wong’s head from his narrow shoulders.
His feeble frame falls flaccid.
GENERAL ZHING (CONT.)
…man’s affairs are evaluated only after his coffin is closed.
Sorry about the lack of an intro in the earlier post… The title of this script is: A CALL TO DUTY.
—————–
This is the premise:
In the not-too-distant future, the US is in another cold war. But this time with a secessionist faction of North Korea. They’ve hit before, and now threaten to strike harder than ever. Their target: The nation’s capital. But not the White House or the Pentagon. They strike the massive underground Metrorail transit system during the peak of the evening commute. Lt. Terri Torrance, a recently retired special operative for the Defense Department, is on board when the viral weapon is released in the intricate maze of tunnels. She must race against time, and an unknown traitor, to save her fellow passengers, the city, and the nation from complete destruction.
——————
Any feedback, as before, is very welcomed.
Michael
Hey Michael C
Overall I had on question about part of your sample — for example — as an execise, see if you can simplify this — its a tad too busy.
“They are adorned in ritualistic dress”
I was reading Ang Lee’s recent script and technically there are words in the screenwriting business that are used and not used. You don’t want to fall under the radar.
Your sample has a few of these.
Hope this help.
I certainly see your perspective Benjamin.
Punctuation is important. I’ve read several scripts wherein the use of the hyphen and the ellipses is used in particular situations. I’m glad to get this feedback from you, as I can now address the lack of clarity in the reading.
I revel in using (and juxtaposing) various elements of story. And in how it’s scripted.
“They are adorned in ritualistic dress”
This gives a reader the chance to engage in the story. They are are now able to create their own visual, and feel a part of the storytelling process.
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
~Michael
First off, Gary thank you so much for reading. Funny, but I did consider those two C names, but I thought the Ch and the hard C might compensate, well in sound they do, but not on the page.
I might have to dig deeper. I’m more than glad you found something to like in this..
Michael!
That’s an awesome exciting scene!
I just loved it, very professional. Hell, we’re not reduced to talking about punctuation here are we?
It’s great & riveting.
Deirdre
Thanks a bunch Deirdre!
I really appreciate that.
Punctuation’s my uber-weak area. LOL
Thanks again.
Michael
HI there! I’m new here although I have been reading your comments etc for a while. Thought i’d finally get up the courage to say Hello!
Deirdre I just wanted to say i enjoyed reading your script sample!
)
)
I hope i’m not too rude (especially being a newbie!) in saying that I too was a bit confused between Claire and Chelsea, but only the part in the field where Claire stomps the fires out and their interaction just after that moment. When Chelsea says: Good, good girl I had to go back and read a few passages again. I get the impression that Claire is the one who is more in control and the carer for Chelsea and would have expected Claire to be the one who calls Chelsea a good girl? (It felt to me like the characters switched for a few lines.)I know – I have probably read it wrong! I am very new to script writing…
I really enjoyed it though and look forward to more of it? The Tattoo connection has me intrigued!
Regards
Paula
P.s I have also been reading everyone’s story in story-scratchpad. It’s really good, but no-one has added to it – I’m too chicken, so somebody?
(Cluck cluck….)<~ that was meant to be me by the way!
Oh dear, there has been so much posted here, it’s hard to keep up.
Mlewys, sorry I didn’t comment before. I like your idea so far, I’m interested in the story, where the mother is and WHY she is there, so you definitely engaged me. I’d like to see more of it.
Ben, glad you found my comments helpful. Thanks for the compliment on my analysing skills!
Deirdre, I like your excerpt and before I read anyone else’s feedback I thought about mentioning my confusion over Chelsea and Claire. Not the names so much, but like Paula said, the section when Claire gets back on the motorbike. The dynamic seemed to change completely. As for their actual names, I thought it was fine having two C’s, I assumed they were sisters or something, is that close?
The card game – this could be very tense. Do you think you could maybe even draw it out for a few moments longer with pauses or people staring each other down, leaving the game, folding etc? (a *very* aside note – for a great scripted poker game, you could see Patrick Marber’s play “Dealer’s Choice”).
I agree with Michael and Ben, your dialogue is excellent, and there’s some great imagery as well. I particularly liked the establishing shot with Claire. But I did wonder about the barn. Are they living there or just staying there? Would there be other items to indicate either way? The kettle does suggest a more permanent thing, but it could seem a bit out of place if it’s the only thing.
I also liked the image of Chelsea throwing matches. Is this (or is it going to be) something explored further? It could get very interesting, I very much like it.
Michael, I really liked your excerpt from “A Call to Duty”, particularly the bit with Terri. From what I’ve read of your stuff, you are really good with flashbacks and other similar sequences. And I liked the way Terri’s speed on the treadmill increased as the intensity of the flashbacks did.
The second part, in North Korea, didn’t seem as strong to me. I can’t quite put my finger on why that is. Where in the script does this action take place? If it is near the start, do you think the transition from Terri’s encounter to the North Korea scene might be too sudden?
Also, the direction for Lee Wong to seem “jubilant” seemed to alienate me from him, so I didn’t sympathise when he was killed. What kind of reaction do you want from his death? I really liked that the dancers killed him though, that was a very nice move on your part.
Hope to see more soon!
Paula (welcome!) and Amz,
My god thanks for finding that name-switch, I can’t believe I didn’t see it myself, yes I got the two names reversed in that small section. Damn I hate it when that happens!
Obviously the names are causing even me confusion.
I’ll be changing Chelsea’s name to Rebecca. I really appreciate that. And I’m glad you both enjoyed the sample.
Amy, that’s an interesting point too about the barn, but it in later scenes it will be clear what the barn serves as. I don’t think all questions need to be answered up front.
And yes the poker game can be expanded I agree, again I’m not too sure how much the writer needs to do and how much is the director’s job. I would love more feedback on that point.
This is a first draft, a rough draft and I just kinda threw it out there.
Thanks so much for responding, I’m glad you liked the imagery Amy, appreciate that.
Paula don’t be shy on the story scratchpad! it needs you!
Philip,
Could you please delete my script sample above?
I’ve got lots of great feedback from it and I hate having a rough draft that needs revision out online. Not to mention this thread is getting hellishly long!
Thanks.
And thanks to all who commented, very grateful.
Deirdre
All deleted and looking forward to revision, D.
This is a long thread, but it works for me – all very scrollable – is anyone trouble navigating it?
Hey Amz!
Thanks for the constructive feedback.
I hear all the time about the dangers of using flashbacks and other scripting elements that are typically overused by most novices.
And as I’m certainly one of those, I’m extra careful about where I use them. Glad to know it translated as intended.
As for the following scene in Korea, Lee Wong (in the sequence before this one) had finally heard confirmation from his son regarding the semi-successful execution of Zhing’s plan in the US. Hence, his jubilant mood. He think’s he’s in the clear. That is, until his head goes flying. LOL
“Jubilant” isn’t the right term though, so I’ll probably change that. Thanks for pointing it out.
That’s one element of this sequence that doesn’t seem to work out of context. But I’m really glad you liked the dancers… That’s one of my favs. It makes the scene more unique, i think. Again, much thanks!
MC
Thank you, Amz, for the feedback. I try to leave enough hooks to interest the audience, but also not frustrate them too much. It’s just a start and I knkow right where I’m going with it; it’s the actual getting there in form and style that’s the fun.
I wish I had more to offer in the way of feedback for the others. This is my very first script and feel quite the novice. I will try to participate more.
Dierdre:
Thanks for your advice on not being shy on story scratchpad – I took a chance and added to your Laboratory part – I hope I didn’t ruin your story plan? (As for me I have no plan – Haven’t got a clue where it’s going!)
Glad to help with your character lines for Chelsea and Claire – You can’t imagine how relieved I was when I read your reply, I spent a sleepless night worrying that I had stuffed up on my first ever ‘Blog comment’!
Not long ago I wrote a story and sent it to some friends for their opinions – I had changed the name of one of the characters half way through and had forgotten to go back and change the old name at the begining – I had them totally confused as they couldn’t figure out where this strange ‘new’ character had come from!
Michael_c : I know it’s going back a bit further but I meant to say I Loved your story about Gray. Your style of writing is great – I really felt like I was seeing it happen. Hopefully one day we will get to in real life, huh!
Paula.
Hi Paula,
Yes I appreciated that very much, no sleepless nights required even when there are mistakes, there will always be mistakes, not a worry.
so glad you got story scratchpad up and running again, I’ve already added to it.
Now, it’s not any idea you know, none of us know where it’s going, we’re just throwing scenes up, the main thing I think is to keep it moving forward and not worry about other people’s intentions, just try to incorporate what’s gone before. That’s not gonna always be possible because it’s not entirely consistent with itself, but who cares! It’s fun anyway.
And if you’ve got an idea you want to pursue, simply return to the scene and continue it.
Or change the scene, or anything you like! Total freedom!
Glad you’re participating.
Deirdre
Hi Paula! (that’s my late mother’s name, by the way… so good vibes already! lol)
Thanks for that observation. That’s always the biggest compliment to receive: that the writing can actually be “seen” as it’s being read. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
As for seeing it on the screen? From your mouth to heaven’s ears!!!
~Michael
Michael_C
Lets hope heaven is listening then huh?
)
I also enjoyed ‘call of duty’, although I do agree with Amz that the transition from Terri to North Korea does seem a bit sudden (But hey what do I know!)Do we know what Lee Wong’s son is up to by this stage?
I really Loved your Dissecting dancers – I bet Lee Wong didn’t see that coming!! (What goes Hahahahahaha – Bump? ……. – A witch laughing her head off! – I know it’s an old one – and not a very good one!)
)
I really like how you do your Flashbacks too. I have read that you should avoid using them in script writing, but I wonder if it’s sometimes needed to show how the character got to where their at now?
Maybe they mean unless you can do them well? (Which you seem able to do!)
I wonder, as I have a story idea that starts off 30 years ago but the main part is present day.
I don’t know wether to start it with an intro of ’30 years ago’ and then move it forward to now, or to use a flashback later in the story?
Any advice?
Philip, what do you think of using flashbacks?
Is it something you need to be able to do really well to use or does it depend on the story you are telling?
Does anyone else have any advice on this?
Thanks!
Paula
(*Idea….. I know – I will write my story and get Michael_C to do my flashbacks!! Problem solved!! LOL!)
Hi Paula!
Thanks so much for reading. And enjoying.
I’m just as much a novice as you… so I’m not sure if I did it well, or got it completely screwed up. lol
I’ve read the same “rule” about not using flashbacks. I honestly think that’s a rule that applies to novices who still don’t quite understand the timeliness of exposition and tend to revert to using flashbacks as an easy out. I think as long as they are used sparingly and help to push the story, and the characters motivations, forward then it’s completely fine.
I mean… how many movies have we seen that use flashbacks? TONS! So apparently that’s not a true “rule”. lol I read one guys script (another newbie) and there seemed to be a flashback in almost every other scene. So I see certainly see where the experts are coming from.
I try to limit my use of them, and only do it with the protagonist (not smaller characters). Also, if it’s just there for “cool effects” and isn’t a necessary story element, then why use it?
In “The Darkest Shade of Gray”, I actually began the movie 30 YEARS AGO. I thought it was (1) a serviceable “hook” for the first few pages and (2) it was an effective way to introduce the Belial character (the antagonist) earlier as opposed to via a flashback halfway through the first act.
What ever helps the pacing, tension building, and overall clarity of the story is what I’d suggest.
And yes, I’d be honored to do some flashback with ya.
Not sure how good they’ll be though. lol I’m a neophyte too. lol
PS: I actually never heard that joke before. It made ME smile.
Thanks again…
look forward to reading your work soon.
Michael
Paula and Amz – Upon reviewing what I posted, I noticed that those scenes, although in order, are actually parts of two different sequences. Terri’s “breakdown” came after a very tense DOD briefing and a run-in with a malicious ex-lover.
The sequence with Zhing and Wong is essentially another storyline that (due to pacing) I had to revisit. What I posted is actually at the end of ACT I and certainly explains the confusion. But I’ll revisit it again to make sure it “flows”.
If you care to read more… the below sequence is where Lee Wong’s son (Lee Chang), and his dilemma are introduced (as well as another character – Aludra) and it occurs about 10-15 minutes prior to the previous post.
Thanks!
Michael
——————-
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE – MORNING
PROTESTERS AND THE MEDIA alike flood the crowded sidewalk outside the gates of the President’s home.
Discharged from the crowd are cries of anti-terrorist rhetoric and organized chants.
PROTESTORS
Free-dom now! Free-dom now!
Most of them hold hand-drawn or stenciled signs:
“STOP ARAB TERROR!”
“WE WILL NOT LIVE IN FEAR… OF MUSLIMS”
“AMERICA – HOME OF FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY”
Across from them are equally ardent protesters with signs supporting the opposing view:
“WAR IS THE TERRORISM OF THE STRONG – TERRORISM IS THE WAR OF THE WEAK”
One hippie woman holds a sign that reads: “WORLD’S NUMBER ONE TERRORIST”.
Below it is the stenciled shape of the United States.
A MALE REPORTER and a CAMERAMAN stand amid the chaos as they begin an interview with a YOUNG ARAB AMERICAN WOMAN.
REPORTER
(into the camera)
This is Stewart Stark reporting live from Washington, DC where literally hundreds of protesters have gathered in both opposition of and support for both sides of this tumultuous anti-terrorism debate.
(beat)
With me, is Aludra Abdullah, a third-year medical student at George Washington University.
(to Aludra)
Why are you here today, Aludra?
She is passionate and embittered.
ALUDRA
I’m here because of the oppressions and prejudices imposed upon Arab-Americans since the horrible tragedy of 9/11, solely on the basis of our religion and our ethnicity. What people fail to realize is there are huge differences between traditional Muslims and murderous radical extremists.
INT. LEE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING – CONTINUOUS
MOTHER LEE, 51, sits at a small rickety table in the middle of the meager, yet tidy kitchen. She looks concerned.
The room is filled with the smoke from her cigarette.
She extinguishes it firmly, never pulling her eyes away from the interview with Aludra on TV.
ALUDRA (CONT.)
(on the TV)
Every Muslim is not an Arab. Every Arab is not a Muslim. And we are certainly all not terrorist! I mean… Who are they protesting here? A terrorist threat? Or an entire nation of people?
(beat)
There will come a day when this world will realize that the terrorist threat is rooted in neither religion nor race, but in politics and foreign policy. Bad politics… and bad foreign policy.
CUT TO:
EXT. LEE HOME – MORNING – CONTINUOUS
A sweaty, exasperated LEE CHANG, 19, tips lightly into the gate in front of the suburban home.
He clutches a duffle bag firmly under his arm as he dashes for the door.
He peeks over his shoulder suspiciously before he enters.
INT. LEE HOME – MORNING – CONTINUOUS
No sooner than he closes the door –-
MOTHER LEE
(in Korean)
Where have you been? Did you do as you were instructed?
She is small and fragile but her voice is as harsh as nails against a blackboard.
Lee Chang slowly turns to his mother with a tortured expression.
He shakes his head in disappointment and hurries towards the basement stairwell.
MOTHER LEE
Your father has been calling all morning. Do you realize how important this is to him?
(beat)
To us?
LEE CHANG
Please, mother. I know.
He doesn’t stop his charge.
MOTHER LEE
Your father has always done what was right for you. Chang, please. Wait!
He stops short, just before entering the basement door. But he does not turn around.
Mother Lee is no longer frantic. She seems sympathetic to her restless son.
MOTHER LEE (CONT.)
I know this is not easy for you. But this small sacrifice will ensure the survival of our family for many generations.
(beat)
We owe it to your father.
Chang’s face is incredulous. His eyes are cold. His mother’s words are no consolation.
LEE CHANG
No. He owes it to me. It’s a parent’s job to make life easier for their children. Not harder.
He enters the stairwell and slams the door behind him.
Mother Lee touches her hand lovingly over the door, as if her son were still there.
MOTHER LEE
(softly)
I’m sorry son.
INT. LEE HOME – BASEMENT – MORNING – CONTINUOUS
Just a few overhead lights illuminate the dark basement. The walls are plastered with technical drawings and sketches.
It looks like part workshop – part laboratory.
There is a newspaper article tacked to a board that boasts: “Korean Teen Graduates Summa Cum Laude from M.I.T.”
The Korean teen is Chang.
He makes his way to a workbench in the corner, CLICKING the lamp above it. He places the duffle bag on top.
He opens it to reveal a crude metal box-shaped device with a simple control panel on the side.
He stares at it with contempt.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LEE HOME – NIGHT – TWO MONTHS EARLIER
Lee Chang enters the back door and heads towards his basement lab.
He stops short, distracted by voices coming from the living room.
INT. LEE HOME – HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
He creeps slowly towards the archway that leads from the hall to the living room, careful not to be heard.
He sets up post to eavesdrop.
INT. LEE HOME – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Wong sits riddled with anxiety in the modest lounge chair.
Across from him is an OFFICIOUS MAN, 45, sharply dressed and obviously all about business.
Standing close by with his usual grimace is Mr. Kim who hovers above the two bartering men.
OFFICIOUS MAN
(speaking Korean)
If your son is as good as the newspapers say he is, this should be a piece of cake.
LEE WONG
Oh, he is as good as they say. In fact, he is better. I am a very proud father.
OFFICIOUS MAN
And if he were to agree to assist the General, your country would be proud of him as well. Additionally, your debts to the General would be overlooked and your family would be very well compensated. This could be very good for you, Lee Wong.
(beat)
Or very, very bad.
Mr. Kim stretches his neck in the restrictive collar of his plain black suit. He frowns down upon Lee Wong through his reflective silver shades.
Lee Wong begins to understand the mandatory nature of this deal.
LEE WONG
No problem. Consider it done.
OFFICIOUS MAN
Very good then. Mr. Kim? Shall we?
The pompous man gathers his briefcase and stands up beside the massive Mr. Kim.
Lee Wong rises to escort them out.
LEE WONG
Please. Tell the General of my gratitude for this opportunity.
OFFICIOUS MAN
You can tell him yourself. He has requested your presence. We will pick you up tomorrow evening. Be ready. And have your passport.
Lee Wong nods a pensive affirmation.
The two men walk towards the front door.
INT. LEE HOME – HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Lee Chang tips towards his basement door before being seen.
INT. LEE HOME – CHANG’S BASEMENT – THAT NIGHT
Lee Chang sits pondering at his drafting table. The light shines down on a thick manila folder closed on the table in front of him.
He hears the soft shuffling of his father’s feet approach behind him.
Lee Wong stands slumped, his arms extended pleadingly to his son.
LEE WONG
All you have to do is make it work. That’s all. Is that so much to ask? You’ll be safe and you won’t be hurt.
(beat)
And I… we… will finally be free from Zhing.
Chang is tearful, never moving from his perch at the table.
LEE WONG
Do you hear me?
LEE CHANG
Yes. I hear you…
Lee Chang turns to reveal his tearful eyes.
LEE CHANG
Loud and clear.
Lee Wong offers but a shamed sigh before he leaves.
Chang stares at his framed diploma hanging proudly above his desk.
His sadness shifts to resentment.
In a fit of frustration he leaps from his seat and yanks his prized document from its mount.
LEE CHANG
Why?!
He SCREAMS, hurling it across the room, smashing its glass frame against the gray brick wall.
He plummets to his chair. Defeated.
Hi Michael,
Terrfic! I’m not going to pretend that I totally follow these scenes which you are presenting in non-sequential order – besides, some things are never fully understood until the screenplay reads fade out, however, I did want to say that I love the work on this, it’s exciting. Lots of drama and big stakes, topical, a strong female lead. I wish you luck with it.
(in Korean) I hope that’s with subtitles!
(not sure if I pressed “submit” or not, sorry if I did!)
I like that scene Michael. I noticed the use of a dissolve, haven’t seen one of those for a while but it reads as a good transitional tool in your script.
I’m interested to see what happens with the protest. One thing I’m wondering about is the use of the word “Arab”…over here that is considered politically incorrect. Not sure about the US though, would Aldura refer to herself as Arab? People here tend to go with “people/person of Middle Eastern descent”…not sure if that’s the same there, but I thought I’d check.
I liked Lee Chang’s entrance and the transition for the protest to his house was veeery smooth. But I was a bit confused in Lee Chang’s fight with his mother when he says:
LEE CHANG
Please, mother. I know.
And the following direction is:
He doesn’t stop his charge.
I instantly read it as him charging to attack, but it seems to be his mother doing that. I wasn’t sure what you meant, did you mean he continued towards the basement?
Otherwise there was lots of great tension, and again, good flashbacks. Hope that helps.
Paula, I’d suggest going with the “30 years earlier” at the start of your script. It’s might be less confusing for the audience. But I don’t know your story, so that’s just a suggestion based on very general ideas.
Thanks a lot Deirdre. I’m sure the clarity isn’t optimal with just segments of the script. But I’m glad there’s ample conflict and tension. Thanks for reading.
Amz… good points. The Arabs here in the US certainly do call themselves just that. (My girlfriend of 7 years is Palestinian and that’s the term she and her family use… she likes that scene a lot. She feels a lot like Aludra, at times. lol).
“He doesn’t stop his charge” refers to his strong movement towards the basement door. But good to know it’s not particularly clear. I have to tighten up the narrative in this sequence anyway. Thanks for the great feedback, all.
~Michael
PS: Philip, if you’d like to delete my script excerpts in the interest of space, please do. Thanks.
This is the opening scene to a horror script I wrote. I put it online and got some great feedback that helped me revise it. Let me know what you think and any suggestions would be great. Thanks…
FADE IN:
EXT. THE BIG CITY – NIGHT
Sheets of rain pour down. People run for cover. The night is lite up by flashes of lighting. The city drips of sin and vice.
EXT. NINTH STREET CHURCH – NIGHT
A rundown, condemned building with a leaky roof. A HOMELESS MAN stirs in the archway entrance.
Police Detective, CHARLES FULMER; a good man lead astray by his inner demons; limps up the broken marble steps leading to the archway.
He wears three-days worth of stubble on his face and a tattered overcoat that’s seen better days. Blood oozes from a large gash on his leg.
At the top of the steps the HOMELESS MAN leaps out of the shadows wielding a broken beer bottle in his hand.
HOMELESS MAN
Give me your money b***h!
Fulmer knees the Homeless Man in the groin who doubles over and yowls in pain.
DETECTIVE FULMER
Outta my way.
The Homeless Man curses and lurches off into the night.
Fulmer tugs at the Church’s massive oak door till it opens.
INT. THE NINTH STREET CHURCH – NIGHT
Inside, Fulmer, shakes the rain off himself, heads down the center aisle and slumps into a nearby pew.
Reaching into his coat pocket, he pulls out a half empty pint of Apple Jack Brandy, unscrews the top, takes a long slug.
He rips open his pant leg exposing a large gash on his thigh and pours the remainder of the Apple Jack onto the wound.
Grimacing he looks up to see, Christ on the cross. Head crowned with thorns, side pierced, hands and feet bloodied.
He looks back down and examines his own leg. Blood dripping down, running all over his shoe, staining his sock.
INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH – NIGHT
Fulmer enters the cramped box and sits down on a small bench. He slicks his hair back and lets out a sigh of exhaustion.
There is a small window connecting the two cubicles. A black screen covers the opening, obscuring the view.
DETECTIVE FULMER
I need your help.
Silence. Fulmer shuffles his feet.
DETECTIVE FULMER
You were right. I can’t do it
alone.
From behind the black screen, OS, FATHER PATRICK FRANCIS speaks.
FATHER PATRICK
It may already be to late.
DETECTIVE FULMER
Tell me what I have to do.
FATHER PATRICK
You must become an instrument of
god. First you must confess your
sins…
FADE OUT
SUPERIMPOSE: 3 WEEKS EARLIER
FADE IN:
EXT. TRIPLE DECKER PARKING GARAGE – DAY
A concrete tomb lite from above by swatches of light coming from dirty bulbs. A car idles, parked crookedly across two spaces…
This is a tasty tidbit. One wants to read more –
one comment – I don’t like Detective Fulmer yet, should I like him?
Do you want to establish him as a sympathetic character in spite of his obvious flaws?
If so, you might want to reconsider his exchange with the homeless man.
If not, then tally ho!
Hey folks… haven’t been by in awhile…
seems quiet though.
Amz and Deidre. You both gave a read to my first script “The Darkest Shade of Gray” and the feedback was invaluable! I was wondering if either of you would mind checking out my 2nd finished product (which you’ve seen excerpts of here) and giving me your thoughts. It’s a better story, although I lot more involved than the first. Let me know.
How’s everyone else coming along with projects?
~Michael
Michael,
Have you joined checked out the Forum for at the top of the page yet. I think most of us have moved over there, and that is where all the activity is now. It takes a bit of exploring to get used to, but it is more organized in a way that makes it easier to see what all the different “Threads” are and when and who posted to them last. There is still a lot of cool stuff here, still–like the links that Phil has posted on the left panel. And the Archive stuff is fun to look through, as well. But come on over to the Forum and bring your new work there. I would enjoy reading more of your writing, too.
See you there.
Aaron
ok, I just joined here, and I’m not an official writer, and I don’t know a lot about screenwriting but I think it’s fascinating. This is the first thing like this I’ve ever written. Here’s an extract of the rather dark comedy I’ve started writing. Primarily, it’s not a comedy, it’s a gripping dramatic portrayal of a physcotic delusional man with no name. He watches people, he learns them, he kills them, then he becomes them and takes their name untill he does it again. But, it does have some dark humour sneaked in for some comic relief. ok, here is the 2nd scene. Is it any good?
———————————————–
A police station, interview room. a middle-aged detective is sitting behind a metal table. He appears somewhat bored and
unsatified with his arms folded, yet he is staring directly at 2 young girls about 19, who are in the midst of a detailed
description.
YOUNG GIRL 1(speaking somewhat quickly): It’s just not something you expect, you know. I mean, one minute you’re just,(speaking slower now) smiling at this guy and then, (pauses) it’s like he’s everywhere!
DETECTIVE: was he following you?
Young GIRL 1: No, but (pauses) he’s everywhere.
DETECTIVE: Not ilegal to be everywhere.
YOUNG GIRL 2 (anxiously to YOUNG GIRL 1): Lets just go.
YOUNG GIRL 1 (shocked): What?! No, why?
DETECTIVE (to YOUNG GIRL 2): Did he threaten you in any way?
Cut to another interview with the same detective and a middle-aged eccentric woman with blonde frizzy hair, excessive make-up,
and a huge collection of metal bracelets on one wrist. She is staring hypnotically at the detective with wide-eyes.
ECCENTRIC WOMAN (loudly): No!! (speaking quieter) I threatened him.
DETECTIVE: I see, what did you say to him?
Cut to another interview with the same detective and a wealthy married couple. The Man is in his early seventies, what little hair he has is grey. The Woman is in her late twenties, she is beautiful and apparently shy.
OLD MAN (loudly and cantankerously): I told him to f**k off!
The Detective briefly smiles at the Old man. The Old man then stands up.
OLD MAN (defensively): I didn’t like the way he looked at my wife!(quickly to his wife)I didn’t like the way he looked at you.
DETECTIVE (to wife): How did he look at you?
OLD MAN (expressively): With desire! Like he wanted her, like he was jealous of me! like some sexual predator!(pauses) Damn Pervert!
The woman, who has her elbow on the desk, sighs and collapses her head into her hand. She is clearly embarrased by her husband.
The Detective raises his eyebrows cynically at the old man, vaguely amused by the irony.
DETECTIVE: so he’s a pervert,huh?
Cut to interview with the 2 young girls about 19.
YOUNG GIRL 1 (suddenly agreeing): yeah, and he was (pauses)old.
DETECTIVE: How old is old?
YOUNG GIRL 1: I dunno, like 30 something, maybe.
the detective and young girl 2 exchange glances.
DETECTIVE: did he say anything to you?(sarcastically)try to tell me before I decompose.
Cut to the Married couple interview.
OLD MAN (cantakerously and quickly):He told ME to f**k off! (pauses) Rude b***ard!
WIFE (sarcastically): I can’t imagine why.
DETECTIVE: Why did he say that?
OLD MAN (loudly and quickly): I said to him, I said “Why’d you tell me to f**k off?!” he said “I told you to f**k off because you told me to f**k off”. So I said to him, I said “Why didn’t you f**k off?” and he said “why did you tell me to f**k off?”
DETECTIVE (cautiously and slowly): And then what did you say?
OLD MAN (As if the answer is obvious): I told him to moderate his f**king language!
The detective suppresses laughter, and exchanges glances with the wife who is not amused.
———————————————–
ok, done, but that’s not where the scene ends.
Any feedback would be greatly apreciated. critisicm, advise, opinions. Remember, this is the first screenplay I’ve ever written. so, should I quit my day job?
Hi, Franz:
There’s a whole new section for receiving a critique. Check out:
http://www.screenwritinggoldmine.com/forum/
There’s a whole community there of great people, with monthly contests.
Good luck and enjoy!
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