This thread is for you to post your logline and for people to comment, suggest, even help you rewrite, until you have a logline that will dazzle any onlooker.
Usual rules apply…
Logline Clinic
Previous post: Post Your Writing For Critique From Others
Next post: Screenwriting Goldmine – Extra Features and Competition Update
How To Write A Screenplay
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
The White Hart
As WW 2 battles in Europe, an English family discovers that the effects of war are not restricted to the front as their lives are blown apart by the friendship of an American G.I.
Okay, I’ve just been re-acquainting myself with P’s idea of a logline which is not meant to be so much as an advertising tool but rather the heart of the story – so may I try again?
Against the backdrop of WW 2, Flo (a good-natured English wife & mother of 6) struggles to find a G.I. lover for her unmarried sister-in-law, finds herself accused of adultery and discovers for the first time in her life what it means to be alone & what she is capable of.
Is this any better? Too wordy? Too much information? Not enough? Does it sound boring? Does it make you want to see it play out? Is there enough conflict?
Any comments would be much appreciated! (yours too Philip!)
[Edited as per Ben's request 7/11/07]
I really like the last line in your take on it, Ben.
Deirdre, I like the idea for this story. I’ve tried writing a logline for it based on what you had. I put things O was unsure of in parentheses. Hope this is helpful.
(In the english countryside?) amidst the chaos of WW2, Flo tries to find love for her unmarried sister-in-law. But when she is accused of adultery (with a G.I.), her family is blown apart and she is forced to discover what she is capable of.
Thanks Ben and Amz, very much. I like what you’ve done too, Ben, it’s not so convoluted and the last line is good.
And I like what you’ve done too Amz, especially the cut.
Appreciate your input – ! Thank you…d
Hi,All,
Here’s a new one for you to work over.
NASA insider’s death bed confession to his grandson, puts the young man’s life in turmoil, as he grapples with how to validate his grandfathers’ tales of shocking govt. cover-ups.
[Edited as per Ben's request 7/11/07]
The grandson of a dying NASA insider is placed in grave danger after his grandfather confesses to shocking government cover-ups.
Any help?
What if the grandson also works for NASA…say at the space center in Titusville?
or Houston? or Greenbelt?
What does he do with Grandpa’s info? Especially since revealing it means that he could possibly lose his 6 figure salary.
Oasis
Well that sounds intriguing. My bit of advice would be to take it from a passive sentence and make it active, identify clearly that this is about the grandson and not the dying man. If that’s truly the case.
“Well that sounds intriguing. My bit of advice would be to take it from a passive sentence and make it active, identify clearly that this is about the grandson and not the dying man. If that’s truly the case.”
***
Oh my goodness, I just assumed that it was about the grandson.
I love the “Political Thriller.” I just jumped there without thinking.
The line clearly says “dying man”, here I am treating him like he’s already rigor mortis.
…my bad
Oasis
I was just suggesting a change from passive to active voice, to me as well it’s obviously about the grandson, just to clarify what I was saying.
no bads unless Aaron is handing them out, it’s his logline! haha
Nice job everyone– Great advice.
You all seem to get the gist of the plot.
It is about the grandson, natch.
It’s not just his 6 figure job in jeopardy; it’s his life and the life of his family and lovely wife (and …kids?) The top echelon are vicious and very good at keeping their secrets secret.
As a documentary, I meant a real facts honest expose. I believe there is one. This is great–Check out: http://www.abovetopsecret.com
I just did, and the top story is almost my premise. And these are supposed to be well documented “stories.” So, I am right on the money. This is a great source for plots drawn from real but fringe or “Secretive” sources. Another closely related Site is: CoasttoCoastAM.com, where you can find affiliated Radio Stations that carry the live broadcasts (3-4 hours of in-depth explorations of mysterious, on-the-edge-topics like conspiracies, space and science, ETs, UFOs, cryto-zoology, Egyptology, ESP, NASA, HAARP, Ghosts, alternative health and healing, And so much more). They both offer a treasure trove of exciting story ideas.
Let me try it again.
A guilt ridden, dying, high-placed NASA insider, burdens his grandson with a promise to expose his secrets of Govt. cover-ups before it is too late for humanity.
I like that logline Aaron.
I had a look at the site you referenced. Maybe I’m a bit skeptical or disillusioned by government cover-ups, but I can’t help thinking that the NASA story might just be a way of NASA getting attention (the old “all publicity is good” motto). Regardless of it being true or not, it would make for an interesting documentary or film subject. In particular I could see a sci fi or thriller doing quite well. And I agree, definitely a lot of story ideas could be found at that site.
Hello Aaron,
The shorter the better.
When you bring your logline to the Pitch festival it has to be very short..sometime you have to pitch without memorizing, so the shorter the better
A dying NASA insider, burdens his grandson with a promise to expose a Government cover-up and save humanity.
Ben – I know this is picky but I think your take on it would be great without the comma. Not that it would make much difference if you were saying it aloud, but I like the idea (and the look) of no comma for a written down person. That could just be my own preference, but generally a comma indicates a pause of some sorts and I don’t think you’d need that with the logline you just suggested. Good work though, that’s short and sharp.
[Edited as per Ben's request 7/11/07]
Hi Aaron,
well at the risk of repeating myself, I’ll repeat myself, but I’ll try to explain it better -
when I look at your logline
“A guilt ridden, dying, high-placed NASA insider, burdens his grandson with a promise to expose his secrets of Govt. cover-ups before it is too late for humanity”
I see that the subject of the sentence is the dying insider. That’s the subject of the sentence. But the subject of the story is the grandson. So what I’m suggesting is that you place the grandson as the subject (instead of object) for example:
A (happy, successful, upwardly mobile, lovely family etc)young man hears a deathbed confession…etc that changes his life.
Not those words of course, but that’s the gist of what I meant, thanks for hearing me out, again!
dd
Benjamin,
I like your extended logline.
“On the run from their violent and dysfunctional past, a lonely stand-up comedian and a mysterious dancer, fall in love and together they find happiness and meaning. A perfect life…until he discovers that she’s unknowingly embroiled in father’s illegal secret society – PROSTITUTION, PORNOGRAPHY, MURDER. Everyone has something to hide. Marcus and Farah – a love story.”
and your proactive approach to self-promotion. Good for you.
I can think of a couple of minor tweaks, if I may.
“On the run from violent and dysfunctional pasts, a lonely stand-up comedian and a mysterious dancer, fall in love and seem to find happiness together…a perfect life…until he discovers that she’s unknowingly embroiled in father’s illegal secret society – PROSTITUTION, PORNOGRAPHY, MURDER. Everyone has something to hide. Marcus and Farah – a love story.”
Still not sure about ‘unknowingly’ – it seems to lower the stakes somehow.
And are you suggesting that Marcus too has something to hide? Any hints?
d
Hello Deirdre
Thanks.
And yes, I’m planning to create a postcard with this logline at the back. No e-cards, do like the good old days!!! A postcard — mailed to top Producers in France, for example.
I hear France, Japan, Hong Kong, Russia, are more focused in scripts that are not as well-developed like for example “Streetcar Name Desire”, the movie with Marlon Brando.
Nowadays the audience want to feel with cinematography and soundtracks and “cool-sexy-romantic-unreal” dialouges.
Lets here it for Euro-scripts and Euro-logline.
Regards
Benjamin
Okay another kick at the cat.
An English matron accused of adultery, struggles to regain the security of family and husband, and ends up learning how to be alone.
Is this any better?
Hey d,
“Is this any better?”
The length is better than better (ok great!)
However, it just feels too cryptic. I’d love just a wee bit more information. Such as,
Who is the accuser?
Deirdre – this could just be my personal view, but I prefered “mother” to “matron”, gave it a more personal feel I think. And you may not even need the commas, it reads just as well without them for me.
And I agree with Oasis, maybe some kind of hint or insight as to who the accuser (or maybe the antagonist?) is. I would also suggest asking yourself whether that logline captures the story you are telling? Does it convey that she is accused of adultery for trying to help someone else? That was the part that interested me. Her intentions were good and kind, but misconstrued.
Hope that helps in some way.
Thanks Oasis and Amz,
I really appreciate your inputs. And knowing the part that intrigued you in the logline is very helpful. It’s so easy to get lost in the forest of words. (oooh sorry about that last line, ha)
One of the things I’m struggling with right now is identifying a clear villain. In some ways I think that society is the villain, or whatever it is that creates inflexible social mores in people.
I suppose I’ll go with the story as I must for the moment & continue with logline.
My main anchor so far is loneliness and how my character struggles against her fear of it.
I agree with both your points, thanks so much.
Hey deidre,
My thoughts on the villian would be to see if you can have a character who repersents the inflexible social mores of the times. Who accuses her of the adultery? Can that person be a villian. Can someone from the comunity such as a priest or busy body comunity leader act as a villian. Split it up let each one repersent different aspects of that represive society?
Also she learns to be ok with being alone. So I ask what is the thing she has to struggle with inside her? The acusation of adultery is the outside plot, whats her inner growth? I would say she is unsure of herself and is afraid to be alone. Does this mean she relies to heavily on a man to support her at first and then learns to be self suffisant or is she brainwashed by society and is to conforming and must learn to break free and be herself?
Would love to see you develop this…sounds great! Also love what your doing over on the scratch pad with the story…u Amz n paula have got that story rockin…cheers!
I was going to say something similar about the villian Gary. Nicely put though.
I was just thinking about films that seem to make society the villian, and how they might do that through other characters. Taxi Driver might be a good example – society makes the main character sick, but it’s also him being rejected by a girl and other situations/people that get him to that stage.
I very much like the idea of society being the villian but then again, society is made up of people.
Jeez Gary, that’s wonderful advice, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it, part of the problem is that this story is a true one and I’ve been reluctant to vilify the main characters involved, but why not add a fictional character or two to help focus the conflict. Excellent advice, thanks so much. And you suggest important questions, much obliged for your thoughts on this.
Amy thanks for your thoughts as well.
It’s not only about loneliness of course, it’s about love and how they intertwine. Perhaps I’m doing too much of the after-work on this.
I think the idea of splitting up the villain between characters is where this is heading and I can’t thank you enough for suggesting this is a valid approach.
If anyone disagrees, please let me know.
Thanks
Hey Gary, come on back over to scratch pad. As I recall it was you who started it all with that broken heel!
It’s fun.
Logline of “INVISSIBLE EXISTENCE”
A story of a youngman fulflling his desires even after he is no more physically alive, thru his friend and after his due approval , but without his being aware of it in his waking state.
Hello out there,
This is my very first time, so please be gentle. Oh, who am I kidding? Go ahead and give me what you’ve got. I can take it. Anything constructive, anything at all, will be greatly appreciated. My existing logline for Blood of the Brigands:
The year, 1530. A six year old slave girl in the sugar cane fields of Barbados witnesses the brutal murder of her mother, is abducted and raised aboard ship by pirates who think she’s a boy, and lives for the day when she can exact revenge on the one known as the bastard pirate McKay.
Hello Amit,
Your logline is enticing by too general.
Make it crisp with facts from your script.
Hope this helps.
Hello Victoria,
I like your logline.
Full of life.
I would see this movie.
Maybe try to shorten.
And for Amit,
Sorry about the typos — just in the midst of too many things — you know it’s Christmas and not enough coffee fuel and not enough hours.
Regards
Ben
Ben
Thanks.Let me try to put it in a different way.
But before that I need to be more clear about this Logline concept. My understanding is that LOGLINE should be just one line..preferably and the only purpose is to make one get interested to know more about the story…then comes the next stage PITCH…. where one tells his story idea in about 4 to 5 lines. It is only after this stage,if one is interested, he would ask writer to either give the synopsis or may be first 10 pages(read it as 10 minutes by thumb rule if one is following scriptwriting software correctly)of the script. This is my understanding of script writing and marketing.
Perhaps Phill has covered this in his book Screenwriting Goldmine. Phil is it possible to get that portion of the book in open (Free) domain.
Actually , I have already written first draft of the story INVISSIBLE EXISTENCE and trying to fine tune it.
Deirdre I like a great deal the way you suggest and write loglines…even when it is not really your story. Writng logline and pitch is easy if it is your story and you have visualized it in totality from start to end. You are so good in selection of words to write the right sentence, that makes logline perfect.
As for rewriting the logline for Invissible Existence..well..let me try..
It could be :
A story of persons alive fulfilling desires of dead without being aware of it and dead people ensuring things happen the way they once wished when they were living identity.
Ben, is it better ? Does it make some sense? Does it create a curiosity to find more about how the story INVISSIBLE EXSISTENCE justify this logline ? Does a story based on this logline will make visually interesting movie? In my belief, if the answer to these questions are in affirmation, the basic purpose of the logline is served.
Phil must help us in this…purpose and right way to write Logline and Pitch. May be he has already covered it in his book screenwritinggoldmine.
Deidre, I am sure you can do magic to cut down many words from my logline while retaining its essence..would you help…
Hello Amit,
It’s still too general but enticing.
Put some hard facts about the story(using the formula or template) in point form.
The edit into a logline.
See if you get the loglines for Six Sense?
Regards
Ben,
Thanks very much. I find it tricky to keep the logline from turning into a synopsis and I tend to ramble. Let’s see if I can make it shorter but still get the message across & make you want to see it:
“The year, 1530. After witnessing the brutal murder of her mother, a slave girl who is abducted and raised by pirates, travels the world on a quest of revenge.”
Do you think that works?
And here is this week’s tagline:
“Revenge can be had at the end of a musket or the point of a blade. It doesn’t matter which.”
Looking forward to hearing what you think.
Thanks!
Victoria
Hey Victoria,
The logline ranges from decent to okay — your script is about a woman seeking revenge — thus her way of getting revenge will be “uniquely aggressive”.
In cinema there is a big difference when a hero or a heroine gets revenge? This makes for cinematic brilliance!
Eg. watch Ridley Scott’s T & L , Kill Bill I and II etc and also Alien and maybe 40′s Bette Davis films…
This uniqueness must be brought out in the logline…
Hope this helps.
Regards,
Ben
Hi again Ben, (and Philip, you’re more than welcome to jump in anytime),
Thanks very much for the input. I did what you said, then beat my head against the wall awhile. Quite cathartic although a bit messy. Could not manage to make the logline any shorter without leaving out vital bits of the plot. Allow me to run this one by you to see what you think:
“After a child watches helplessly as her mother is brutally murdered by a rogue pirate in the sugar cane fields of Barbados, the child grows into a woman, is trained in the use of language, warfare and ‘the womanly arts’ , only to become one of the most dangerous of women. What she learns in the company of men proves to be invaluable in her quest to hunt down the Man with Half a Face.”
Better or worse than before?
Thanks again,
Victoria
Hello Victoria
Yes, getting there.
But some of the words and ideas are be repeated. Edit out words that carry the same meaning twice.
Edit some more, you’ll get there.
Regards
Ben
Thanks Ben!
I think I’ve got it now. Back to the drawing board